IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people believe that the public libraries should only provide books and should not waste their money on expensive hi-tech media, such as software, DVD's or videos. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #libraries #books #waste #money #media #software #dvd #videos
Some
people
 are reluctant to receive
high technology
Add a hyphen
high-technology
show examples
media
 in
library
Add an article
the library
show examples
due to
 the distraction that
media
 would
affect
Verb problem
cause
show examples
.
However
, some
people
 are
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
 to bringing in
media
 that could lead
people
enjoy
Add the particle
to enjoy
show examples
 their leisure in the
library
.
To begin
 with, I approve of activating
introduction
Correct article usage
the introduction
show examples
 of
media
 like software and video materials into the
library
. Because
library
Correct article usage
the library
show examples
 needs to be the place
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 various
people
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 find their joy or learn something they would never do outside the
library
.
For example
, these days, there are many activities that citizens are likely to join,
such
 as the program about how to use
media
 or the club watching a movie together. In the case where some learn about how to use the
media
,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 mostly join. Because they have less chance than young
people
 to enjoy culture by using
media
.
Secondly
, having not only books but
also
media
 for
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 activities will motivate
people
 to come to the
library
. As time goes
, the
Change preposition
on, the
show examples
library
 is facing
significant
Add an article
a significant
the significant
show examples
 challenge
that
Correct word choice
in that
show examples
 a number of
people
 don’t visit the
library
.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 it is a serious problem that
people
 reading books are declining.
However
, if having
media
 in the
library
 allows a few more
people
 to
come
Add the preposition
come to
show examples
 the
library
, it is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 opportunity to make the
library
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 friendly place. Indeed, these
people
 who just come
for watching
Change preposition
to watch
show examples
movie
Add an article
a movie
show examples
 or
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 software could be the potential
reader
Fix the agreement mistake
readers
show examples
.
Therefore
, it is helpful to integrate the society and give impact to
people
 to visit the
library
. So receiving
media
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the
library
 is not wasting money. It is the chance to
expanse
Replace the word
expand
show examples
 the
library
 to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 delightful place.
Submitted by ellykim419 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Structure your essay by introducing the topic clearly, presenting your arguments or viewpoints, and concluding with a summary or final statement that encapsulates your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph presents a clear main idea, followed by supporting details or examples. Try to maintain logical flow and organization throughout.
task achievement
Add more specific examples and details to support your main points, which will help in making your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
The essay offers a complete response, addressing both sides of the argument with a clear personal stance.
coherence cohesion
There is reasonable coherence and progression between ideas, which guides the reader through the argument effectively.
task achievement
The writer has utilized relevant examples to support the idea of integrating media into libraries, such as mentioning specific activities and benefits for the elderly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: