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Band 4.5

Many goverments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other type of progress are equally important for a country Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#goverments #progress #people #type #country
Many
countries
 believe that financial growth is the most important goal.
On the other hand
, some people would argue that
countries
 need to focus on other kinds of progress as well. I think making
money
 should be their
priorities
Fix the agreement mistake
priority
show examples
,
whereas
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 it is still essential to consider different aspects. Some people would claim that
money
 should never be the first thing
what
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 nations care
.
Change preposition
about.
show examples
 They would say it is more beneficial for
countries
, in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term, if they focus on human resources. To make a country rich, we need to educate and raise our kids well.
For instance
, they might become great scientists, globally
succeed
Replace the word
successful
show examples
 CEOs, or well-known celebrities.
This
 will bring a better economic status in the end.
Therefore
, our purpose shouldn't be
money
. 
On the other hand
, economic development is
also
 crucial. If governments are not wealthy enough, they won't be able to build good facilities, offer public
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
, or better health care systems.
Thus
, I believe putting economic progress first will benefit their people in general. I think
money
 means power in
this
 world.
Furthermore
, poor
countries
 usually have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less chance to gain
an important information
Remove the article
important information
a piece of important information
show examples
 or can be easily isolated. Nations with
money
 will be stronger and will provide more advantages to their residents. In conclusion, financial progress is something that all
countries
 should try to achieve. But, governments should never forget that they have other aspects to care about.
Submitted by dob.jeong on

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task achievement
Try to develop the argument for educating and raising kids well with specific examples or further explanation to strengthen the task response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between ideas and examples to improve the overall coherence and cohesion in your writing.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion of the topic.
task achievement
The main points about the importance of both economic development and other types of progress are clear and relevant to the topic.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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