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Band 6.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Some argue that being competitive in different aspects is an advantage.
On the other hand
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, some might think that being more cooperative is much better. Being competitive pushes every person to be better and to reach a good level , but cooperating allows
people
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 to share their knowledge. I think that it is better to cooperate because we can obtain better results.
Body paragraph 1
Many
people
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 progress through competition.
For example
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, the best young tennis players are those who practice a lot because they compete against other players. The competition asks discipline wich is a good thing. At school,
that is
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 the same effect. The ones who are competing in class are the best because they always want to beat their competitors.
As a result
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, by competing with someone else, we naturally start to focus on the sport or the subject to be better than the other one.
Body paragraph 2
Not every person is a competitor.
This
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 is why some prefer to cooperate rather than compete. Cooperation can refer to mixing knowledge to build something great.
For instance
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, big businesses like Apple
work
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 together to create the new iPhone. Some
people
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work
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 on the design and others on the marketing.
Furthermore
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, cooperating allows
people
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 to concentrate on a specific task because cooperating permits separating a project and assigning one skill to someone and another to someone else.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, competition can be good because it motivates the population to reach a high level at
work
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 or at school.
However
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, cooperating is
also
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 great because it allows, namely, a big company to concentrate many jobs on one project. I strongly think that cooperating is much better because everyone can take advantage of what they
work
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 on.

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task response
You discuss both views and give a clear view. To make your ideas stronger, explain more why working together gives better results for people, not only for a company.
task response
Your examples are useful, but make them more exact. For example, say how a team at Apple can solve a problem faster than one person working alone.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each example and your main idea more clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “However” are used well, but some sentences can be joined more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “compete”, “cooperate”, and “better” too often. You can use simple other words such as “work with others”, “work as a team”, “improve”, and “do well”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not fully clear, such as “The competition asks discipline”. Write “Competition requires discipline” or “Competition teaches people to be disciplined”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the good side of competition, the good side of cooperation, and your own view.
task response
The tennis, school, and company examples help the reader understand your points.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear topic: competition first, then cooperation.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending clearly repeats your view that cooperation is more useful.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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