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Band 6.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, many people argue that competition at work , but
also
Linking Words
 at school and in general, in daily life, can be a good thing.
This
Linking Words
 statement will discuss why competition can be positive, what the barriers to it are, and,
in addition
Linking Words
, the advantages of cooperation. I totally agree that being too competitive can have negative consequences for ourselves.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, a championship is essential for many young people, because it can give them hope and personal satisfaction to excel at school, and to have good grades.
For instance
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, in the French academic system, it is very common to be in rivalry with others, because every teacher does rankings of students, so that they have an idea of their performance for their parents.
However
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, in my opinion, it is not worth it for students to always be under pressure from their classmates.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it put a lot of pressure on the shoulders of the young population.
Furthermore
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, in daily life, at work, many adults feel stressed because they sometimes to much expectations,
moreover
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, it can give rise to anxiety problems and self-confidence issues.
For example
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, a survey conducted by the Spanish scientist Gazate shows that 80% of young workers have felt too much pressure since high school, which gives rise to negative consequences in their work life. So, I strongly agree with
this
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 statement. I think that always being in games with others can be nefarious , with many negative aspects.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I definitely agree that cooperation is relevant ,
as well as
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 helping each other, is the best solution, to exceed and
above all
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 to improve, compared to always being in competition.

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task response
Discuss both views more fully. Explain why some people support competition, then explain why others support working together. Your own view should be clear from the start and should stay the same.
task response
The first main point is about school, but the question also asks about work and daily life. Add clear ideas about these areas, such as how competition may help people work hard, while working together may help a team solve a hard problem.
task response
Your example about France is useful, but explain more clearly how it proves your point. The survey example needs a clear source or it should be made more general.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler plan: introduction; one paragraph on good points of competition; one paragraph on good points of working together and your view; conclusion. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. For example, say that competition can push people to do well, then give an example and explain it.
coherence and cohesion
Some links do not fit the meaning. Do not use “On the other hand” before a point that is still about competition. Use it when you move to the other view: cooperation.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as pressure and bad effects. Instead, build the point step by step: competition may push people, but too much of it may cause stress.
task response
You give a clear personal view that too much competition can cause stress and other bad effects.
task response
You use examples from school and work, which helps make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For instance”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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