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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays,
competition
Use synonyms
 plays an important role at school, at work and in everyday life. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe it can encourage success and motivation,
while
Linking Words
 others prefer cooperation.In my opinion,
although
Linking Words
competition
Use synonyms
 can be motivating, working together can bring better results and more efficient actions.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
competition
Use synonyms
 pushes individuals to improve their abilities and become more ambitious.
For example
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, a student who wants to achieve the highest grades often studies harder and spends more time preparing for exams.
Moreover
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, businesses usually
attracts
Correct subject-verb agreement
attract
show examples
 customers when they develop innovative products and improve their services for the clients.
Consequently
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,
competition
Use synonyms
 can encourage more progress and creativity.
However
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, too much
rivality
Correct your spelling
rivalry
 can
also
Linking Words
 create stress and make
people
Use synonyms
 focus too much on winning rather than learning.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, cooperation makes individuals share ideas and responsibilities.
Firstly
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, teamwork helps
people
Use synonyms
 solve problems more efficiently because everyone contributes with their different skills.
This
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 is particularly useful when the tasks are difficult or long.
For instance
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, during a school
project
Add a comma
project,
show examples
 one student might be good at research
while
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 the other is better at writing.
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Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 collaboration is essential in hospitals, where doctors and nurses must communicate to provide the best care to the
people
Use synonyms
 in need.
As a result
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, working together can create a better environment and strengthen relationships between
people
Use synonyms
.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 it
teach
Correct subject-verb agreement
teaches
show examples
 patience and respect for
differents
Replace the word
different
opinions.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both approaches present interesting advantages.
Nevertheless
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, I believe cooperation is more beneficial because it encourages support and helps individuals achieve objectives.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your view stronger, explain more fully why working together is better in most cases, not only that it gives better results.
task response
Your examples are clear and fit the main ideas. Add one more real or more exact example from work or daily life to show how teamwork can lead to a better result than competition.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a short end. Each part stays on one main idea, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use links with more care. Put a comma after opening links such as “Furthermore,” “In addition,” and “For example,”. Also, avoid using too many links in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some small word form and sentence errors make the flow less smooth. For example, write “businesses attract customers”, “rivalry”, “it teaches”, and “different opinions”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the good side of competition, the good side of cooperation, and state your own view.
task response
The school, business, project, and hospital examples are relevant and help make your ideas clear.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is strong: competition first, cooperation next, then a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “However”, “On the other hand”, and “As a result” help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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