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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time
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In the contemporary epoch,
children
’s activities have differed compared to the past. They spend their time on the technological systems.
While
 there are some benefits,
such
 as improving their knowledge, I believe the main drawbacks, like becoming unsociable and causing some problems for their health, are more substantial. On the one hand,
Technology
 helps
children
 to get new knowledge and update their abilities in modern days. With progressing
technology
, most of the fields are done by it, if some people cannot use
technology
 systems, they cannot have a comfortable life, so it affects their future.
Moreover
, many
children
 spend their pastime with new technological devices,
such
 as the X-box and PS5, it does not need to go out and parents can manage their kids,
this
 trend helps parents to prevent concerns like Getting lost, stolen and injured.
On the other hand
,
technology
 leads to becoming unsociable. Many times,
children
 just communicate with others through social media, At the primary level, it is for fun, but after many times they lean on social media to communicate.
Children
 cannot learn body language, eye contact and principles of communication. They become disappointed and a frustrated person and they cannot find a partner so
finally
 they become
Add an article
an
the
show examples
unsuccessful person.
In addition
, sitting down long time and a lack of physical activity make a health problem,
such
 as obesity, because they just sit down and eat without any activities and practice,
so
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 will create a kind of disease. On balance, it is true that
technology
 may face benefits, like introducing new tasks and knowledge, in my view, the negative effects in terms of becoming alone and health problems far outweigh these benefits.
Submitted by mellika.sadeghi1 on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on your main points with more specific and varied examples to provide stronger support for your arguments. This will enhance the clarity and strength of your task achievement.
coherence cohesion
While your essay addresses both sides of the argument, enhancing the logical flow between points will improve coherence. Employ more transitional phrases to guide the reader between ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion and reinforcing your position.
task achievement
You've successfully addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of technology on children's free time, presenting a balanced view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
What to do next:
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