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Writing Samples
Band 7

The table shows of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.

The table shows of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.
The table compares spent
money
Use synonyms
 on 4 particular items among adults and
children
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 spent
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 highest proportion of
money
Use synonyms
 on food,
however
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 spent the most
money
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 on electronic equipment.
While
Linking Words
 girls and
boys
Use synonyms
 spent their most of
income
Use synonyms
 on music and videos respectively. In 1998,
women
Use synonyms
 spent 39 per cent of their
income
Use synonyms
 on the food category,
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 spent 9 per cent of their
money
Use synonyms
. Those were the highest and the lowest indicators in
this
Linking Words
 category. In the electronic equipment, section
children
Use synonyms
 spent their highest proportion of
money
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 and it stood at 23% and
women
Use synonyms
 approximately
not
Add a missing verb
did not
show examples
 spend their
income
Use synonyms
 on
this
Linking Words
. Music was the most demanded
one
Use synonyms
 by girls,
also
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
 spent a little bit less than girls and their
income
Use synonyms
 rate was 40%, 38% and 39% respectively. Adults , men and
women
Use synonyms
 spent the same 5 per cent of their
money
Use synonyms
 on the music section. In the videos
category
Add a comma
category,
show examples
 the highest
one
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 was
boys
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 and the lowest
one
Use synonyms
 was
women
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.
Boys
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 spent
one
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
out of
show examples
 five of their
money
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 approximately did not spend.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words money, children, women, boys, income, one with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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