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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the modern communication technology is having a negative effect on a social relationship. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #communication #technology #effect #relationship
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Nowadays, modern
technology
 communication is more popular than ever. Some people think that it has detrimental effects on social relationships,
while
 others believe that it is beneficial. I personally believe that it not only improves our communication but
also
strengthen
Correct subject-verb agreement
strengthens
show examples
 our bond.
This
 essay discusses the advantages of
such
technology
. These days, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
family members and friends, live in a different city or even a different country.
Due to
 the fact that travelling and visiting are expensive, gathering has become less frequent. Thanks to the advancement of
technology
, Friends and family members can stay in touch through modern devices like their smartphones and laptops.
Such
 devices work in any place around the world through
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 and help them visit more often. It is an undeniable truth that we live in a fast-paced world and I believe it affects positively social communication too. Especially for those who are at a far distance.
On the other hand
, in the past, people visited each other only on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
holidays and special ceremonies,
while
 through the advancement of
technology
, they could keep in touch with each other through
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
show examples
.
For instance
, in the past, I was able to see my grandmother only on our holidays,Noruz, but now we can see each other on a weekly basis on video call. As she lives alone now,
this
 online gathering is really helpful for her.
Thus
 I think
this
 modern
technology
 is essential and has positive effects on our social relationships. In conclusion, I totally disagree with some people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
believe modern
technology
 has negative impacts on our lives. As the world has changed and we don't live in the same city. I think
this
 new
technology
 helps us see each other more and maintain our relationship.
Submitted by rozakoohvand on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions logically to the next to enhance flow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or studies to support your points, which can strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that frames the discussion well.
task achievement
Main points are presented and mostly supported by relevant examples.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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