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Band 2.5

People are less fit and active nowadays than in the past. What are the reasons for this? What measure can be taken to fix this?

#people #measure
Now a lot of people and
children's
Change noun form
children
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 are less fit and active. The sooner,
people
Correct article usage
the people
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 and
children
 were very active. Today, people or teenagers are slackers.
They every
Correct pronoun usage
Every
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 day are
sitting
Wrong verb form
sit
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 at home and play
Change preposition
on a
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a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 telephone
also
 computer,
Correct word choice
and playstations
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playstations
Correct your spelling
PlayStations
, and watch
cotton's
Change noun form
cartoons
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 devices
such
 as
TV
Fix the agreement mistake
TVs
show examples
,
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
show examples
 and phones again.
Therefore
 They are not mobile and a very large number are sick.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 some
parents
 believe that If
children
 play in the streets, they will get sick. If
parents
 took away their
children
's phones, they would play outside and be active. Earlier there were no
such
 devices: phone, TV, computer, tablet,
laptop
Correct word choice
or laptop
show examples
,
amd
Correct your spelling
and
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
 couldn't just sit at home because they were bored. And the
parents
 had a lot of work. They baked bread,
went
Correct word choice
and went
show examples
 for firewood. And now everything is ready. If only young
parents
 today would listen to their elders or at least take their
children
 for a walk every day. End, Nowadays, many
parents
 and
children
 prefer to stay at home rather than go for a walk or play outdoors. In the past,
parents
 and
children
 made different holidays every day; they didn’t have TVs, so they were very active and healthy.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task response
Your essay touches on pertinent reasons why people are less fit, focusing on modern technology's role. However, provide more specific examples and solutions to enhance your argument. Reflect on lifestyle changes across different aspects, like work habits, urbanization, or dietary changes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay needs smoother transitions between ideas to improve logical flow. Consider using linking words and phrases to connect your thoughts effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing main points and restate the significance of the proposed measures. This will make your essay more impactful.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repetition of ideas to maintain reader engagement and to strengthen your argument. Focus on developing each point with depth.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the issue at hand, providing a solid start to the essay.
task response
You have effectively identified technology as a factor influencing decreased physical activity, which is a relevant point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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