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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that children are having too much free time and this time should be used to study more. To what extent do you agree with this statement

#people #children #time #study
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Many people believe that
children
 have so much spare
time
 that they can utilize for their academic
study
. I partially agree with the notion. In my opinion, spending their free
time
 could be beneficial for their
study
however
 it
also
 can increase the burden on individuals. On the one hand, Usage of their spare
time
 for their academic work can enhance their performance in school.
Children
 can more focus on their studies which leads them to have good performance in their classroom.
Additionally
, It will help to reduce the screen
time
 of the
children
. Most
children
 spend their spare
time
 watching
TV's
Change noun form
TV
show examples
 and mobile phones and spending more
time
 in the
study
 will divert their mind from the digital products.
For instance
, a survey of students at "Harward University" shows that screen
time
 among youngsters has increased by 60% in the past 2 years.
On the other hand
, humans need to relax from constant work.
Children
 spend most of their
time
 in the school. They need a break to refresh their minds. Though increasing
study
time
 will enhance their educational knowledge, Student will leave behind in their physical development. It is essential for every youngster to participate in extracurricular activities to enhance their
overall
 development.
Secondly
, some students are not good at scholarly but they find their interest in other activities like sports, fashion, and other skills.
Hence
, giving them opportunities in different
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 with their regular studies will help them to find their interest.
To conclude
, I believe
this
time
 is very
vitual
Correct your spelling
vital
 for
children
, and utilizing
this
time
 more effectively
according to
 their interests will be more beneficial for them in the future.
Submitted by maangaganpreet51 on

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task achievement
Your essay tackles the prompt effectively, providing a balanced viewpoint by discussing both sides of the argument. However, try to make your opinion a bit clearer in the introduction and conclusion to strengthen your task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay is generally logical and organized, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. Use more transitional words or phrases to improve the cohesion between your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences may benefit from clearer structure to enhance readability. Aim for more parallel structure in some of your points, especially when drawing comparisons.
task achievement
You have included specific examples, such as the Harvard University survey, which strengthens your argument. This is a strong aspect of your response and demonstrates relevance.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear introductory and concluding paragraphs, which help frame your overall argument. This is effective in organizing your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effects
  • mental well-being
  • life skills
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • empathy
  • physical development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • unstructured play
  • cognitive development
  • academic performance
  • fatigue
  • motivation
  • quality over quantity
  • work-life balance
  • time management
  • well-rounded personality
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