IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Pie Chart The amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year, 2016.

#amount #money #children #charity #usa #year
The given pie charts
bellow
Correct your spelling
below
show examples
 illustrate the proportions of generated
income
 that was given to a children’s charity, which is located in the USA, and the expenses of the charity in one year. 2016. In
general
Add a comma
general,
show examples
 it can be clearly seen that donated food
consituted
Correct your spelling
accounted
 for the main
revenue
 source,
while
 program services accounted for the majority of
expenditures
. The least produced figures from
revenue
sources
 are investment
income
, government grants and other
income
.
Whereas
, for
expenditures
, the smallest percentage represents fundraising,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
management and general. The total
revenue
sources
 just exceeded
expenditures
.
For example
, donated food provided the majority of the
revenue
sources
, at 86.6%.
Likewise
, regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
expenditures
, program services accounted for nearly all of the
expenditures
- 95.8%. The other
catogories
Correct your spelling
categories
 were much smaller,
for instance
, community contributions comprised
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a tenth of the whole
revenue
sources
 ( 10.4%), following
that is
 2.2% of program
revenue
. For other
expenditures
,
on the other hand
, the only two
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 fundraising and management and general, accounting for 2.6% to 1.6%, respectively. Investment
income
, government grants and other
income
generates
Change the verb form
generate
show examples
little
Rephrase
as little
show examples
 as 0.8% of
overall
revenue
sources
.
Submitted by ligaevelinabriede on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow in the essay by ensuring that each idea leads naturally to the next. You can use linking words and phrases more effectively to achieve this. Currently, the transition between ideas can be somewhat abrupt.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every section of the essay (introduction, body, conclusion) is clearly defined and fulfills its intended role. The current essay could benefit from a more explicit conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed.
task achievement
Try to focus on clearly separating the analysis of revenue sources and expenditures, and make explicit comparison where necessary. This will strengthen your task achievement as your analysis will be more structured.
task achievement
The essay includes a comprehensive description of both the revenue sources and expenditures, covering all key elements.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the context by introducing the topic of the essay and what will be discussed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • donations
  • grants
  • fundraising events
  • expenditure
  • administration costs
  • program expenses
  • direct benefits
  • indirect benefits
  • underprivileged children
  • education
  • healthcare
  • shelter
  • nourishment
  • medical treatments
  • basic needs
  • financial sustainability
  • transparency
What to do next:
Look at other essays: