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Band 4.5

The desire for higher status or great wealth than others is what motivate most people to succeed in the world. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#desire #status #wealth #people #world
Some
people
 argue that a desire
for achieving
Change preposition
to achieve
show examples
 higher
status
 and
great
Correct word choice
greater
show examples
wealth
 than
others
 motivates most
people
 to succeed in
this
 world. I personally agree with
this
 viewpoint because aiming big, and having an urge
of being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
 respected by
others
 helps
someone
 to achieve higher
status
 or have great
wealth
. If
someone
 aims
something
Change preposition
for something
show examples
 bigger than
others
, it will motivate them to reach their goals. Having a big
aim
 for higher
status
 or great
wealth
 motivates
someone
 to do whatever they need to achieve. They will
work
 hard,
work
 overtime, and sacrifice their comfort to achieve that
status
.
For example
, if
someone
 has the
aim
 of buying a luxury car, he will earn a lot of
money
 to buy that car. His strong
aim
 will motivate him to
work
 hard to earn
money
 to purchase the car.
Moreover
, having a desire
for being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
 respected by
others
 helps
someone
 to reach their goals. In today's society, if
someone
 has a huge amount of
money
, he is respected by
others
. To earn that respect,
people
work
 hard
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and achieve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wealth
 and
money
.
For example
, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Bangladeshi society, those
people
 who have a lot of
money
 are considered rich, and only rich
people
 get attention and respect from
others
. In conclusion, I agree with the fact that if
someone
 has the urge
of being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
 respected by
others
, and a big
aim
, he only can become motivated to achieve that
status
 or
wealth
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph structure by varying sentence length and complexity.
task achievement
Include more examples from diverse contexts to enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with small grammatical inaccuracies, but overall coherence is good.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your position on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical flow and satisfactorily uses examples to support points.
task achievement
Your task response is thorough, addressing the prompt completely.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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