IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

In some countries, governments try to measure and improve the happiness of their population in a similar way to how economic growth has traditionally been measured and prioritised. To what extent do you agree with this newer approach? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, there
many
Add a missing verb
are many
show examples
 factors influencing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness, not only economics.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the economy seems the most important in the current society.
Body paragraph 1
In my opinion, there
others
Add a missing verb
are others
show examples
 most important,
for instance
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental
health
Use synonyms
, physical
health
Use synonyms
,
as well as
Linking Words
 spiritual
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
First,
Linking Words
about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental
health
Use synonyms
 is important
keep
Add the particle
to keep
show examples
 goals in
our
Correct pronoun usage
your
show examples
 job and in
the
Change the word
your
show examples
 personal
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
,
therefore
Linking Words
 when you take care
your
Change preposition
of your
show examples
 mind and you are able to separate your responsibilities and
you
Change the pronoun
your
show examples
 free time,
as a
Linking Words
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 you
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 spend your free time enjoying your hobbies or with your family.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I believe is essential
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
 out, to enjoy
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
,
Correct word choice
and avoiding
show examples
avoiding
Wrong verb form
avoid
show examples
 illness.
That is
Linking Words
 related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having a good diet because we have to know that we intake
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Body paragraph 4
Finally
Linking Words
,
other
Change the wording
another
show examples
 important factor is spiritual
health
Use synonyms
 and that
include
Change the verb form
includes
show examples
helping
Replace the word
help
show examples
 from other people. There are many investigations
show
Correct pronoun usage
that show
show examples
 the happiness related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the satisfaction to help.
Conclusion
Overall
Linking Words
, If the
Goverment
Correct your spelling
government
try
Change the verb form
tries
show examples
 to measure
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness, they take into account other factors
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 mental, physical and spiritual
health
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction improvement
Expand the introduction to provide a clearer background of the issue and outline your stance more explicitly.
idea development
Ensure each main idea is thoroughly developed with clear reasoning. For example, elaborate on how specific factors besides the economy influence happiness.
use examples
Provide specific examples or experiences to strengthen and illustrate your points.
conclusion enhancement
Add a more complete conclusion to summarize the main points discussed and restate your perspective.
range of ideas
The essay identifies multiple factors beyond economics influencing happiness, showcasing a good range of ideas.
logical flow
Each main point is introduced and generally supported with some reasoning, indicating a logical flow to the essay.
topic understanding
The essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic, with attempts to explain the importance of mental, physical, and spiritual health.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: