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Band 5

Write about the following topic: The best way to measure someone's success is to look at how much money that person has. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #measure #someone #success #money #person
Many
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 think that having a lot of
money
 means someone is successful.
However
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 agree with
this
ideea
Correct your spelling
idea
.
Now days
Correct your spelling
Nowadays
show examples
exist
Verb problem
are
show examples
 many people with
money
 but they are not
of
Correct word choice
successful
show examples
success
,at
this
 moment every
person
 has
Correct article usage
the posibility
show examples
posibility
Correct your spelling
possibility
to make
Change preposition
of making
show examples
money
 very
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
 but how easily you make
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
, how easily you lose
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
.For me ,a
person
 of
success
 is
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 who
achieve
Change the verb form
achieves
show examples
 his dreams and goals with his power without
money
.
Firstly
, a
person
 of
success
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 guy
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
graduate
Wrong verb form
graduated
show examples
 a high school,
a
Correct word choice
or a
show examples
universty
Correct your spelling
university because
beacause
 in
this
 century very few people have
power
Change the article
the power
show examples
 to finish them.Many of them after one ,
two
Correct word choice
or two
show examples
 years
abandone
Correct your spelling
abandoned
 the university
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
 they consider
this
 thing not very important for them to make
money
.
For example
 ,I know two
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 from my class after ten grade,they abandoned high school
for working
Change preposition
to work
show examples
 full time at
Mcdonalt
Correct your spelling
McDonald
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
Add an article
a waiter
show examples
waiter
Fix the agreement mistake
waiters
show examples
 and make
money
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
 the pressure was
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
big for them in high school.
Secondly
, you could have
money
 but if you
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 have a family,
a
Correct word choice
or a
show examples
house
you
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in my view you are not a successful
person
.
Moreover
, many people live and work for their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
as
Correct word choice
so
show examples
 the children will have a good future.Family is the best treasure which can have a guy.Thanks
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
family you can achieve your goals and fulfill your soul.
For instance
,Cristiano Ronaldo who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a big family which supported him in bad times
help
Wrong verb form
helped
show examples
 him to grow and
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 his dreams
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 became the best football player in history.
To sum up
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
measure
Wrong verb form
measured
show examples
 in
money
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life is not only
money
Change preposition
about money
show examples
.
The life
Correct article usage
Life
show examples
 is full of other things which make you a
succesfull
Correct your spelling
successful
person
.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that outlines your position and what your main points will be.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and precision in your ideas by organizing your thoughts more effectively and reviewing your work for grammatical issues.
coherence cohesion
Try to connect your sentences and paragraphs more smoothly to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the central argument and that your examples and explanations are elaborate and relevant.
task achievement
You provide personal examples to support your points, which makes your arguments relatable and realistic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, contributing to a structured argument.

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