IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Around the world, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. Some say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #say #population #governments #society
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Nowadays, there is
significant
Add an article
a significant
the significant
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 argument about the growth of the elderly's number in societies.
while
 some
people
 hold the view that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
 have the advantages for government, another common belief is that governments might face some issues
due to
 the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population. In
this
 essay, I will examine both views, before providing my own view. On the one hand, those who support
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 of
this
 matter, argue that the elderly
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
more
Correct article usage
a more
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experience
Replace the word
experienced
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workforces
Fix the agreement mistake
workforce
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thus
, companies can enjoy blending their expertise with the fresh ill-informed
labours
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labourers
show examples
 for better
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
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.
Moreover
, the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more
likley
Correct your spelling
likely
 involved in volunteer programs rather than the youth. Retired
people
 tend to attend charity programs,
addmitedly
Correct your spelling
and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 appreciate
because
Correct pronoun usage
them because
show examples
 they
don
Correct your spelling
do
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 not work for money.
On the other hand
,
proponent
Fix the agreement mistake
proponents
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 of the elderly can
creates
Change the verb form
create
show examples
 problems for governments
claim
Wrong verb form
claiming
show examples
 that
this
 matter,
having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
negative
Add an article
a negative
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 impact on public debt. Without offsetting tax rises or spending cuts, an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population can widen budget deficits and put public sector debt on an unsustainable upward trajectory.
In addition
, it is
undeniable
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an undeniable
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 fact that pressure on health services would be increased, as old individuals more likely can lead to an explosion of age-related illness and associated health care costs. All things considered,
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 in the
old
Correct quantifier usage
number of old
show examples
individuals
Change to a genitive case
individual's
individuals'
show examples
 rate,
hase
Correct your spelling
has
 both positive and
negetive
Correct your spelling
negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on societies. From my perspective, the benefits in terms of
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the old
people
 population in the society eventually outweigh any drawbacks.
Submitted by mahyarnaseri on

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Task Response
Your essay does address the prompt and discusses both advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. However, make sure to explicitly state your position in relation to the question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. You can do this by using linking words and phrases effectively.
Task Achievement
Strengthen your main points with specific examples to bolster your arguments. This will help in clearly and comprehensibly presenting your ideas.
Task Response
You have made an effort to examine both viewpoints and have included some arguments for each side, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for different perspectives, and a conclusion. This is a solid framework in essay writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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