There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern epoch, young people are under too much stress to become successful academically. Some individuals believe that
non- academic
Correct your spelling
non-academic
show examples
courses
such
as physical education and cookery should be removed from
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
curriculum,
hence
Correct word choice
so hence
show examples
students can focus on academic work.
However
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However,
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some people refute
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
.
This
essay will argue some possible reasons behind
this
in the
impending
Correct word choice
following
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paragraphs. First and foremost,
subjects
such
as physical fitness and cooking are equally important as science and physics
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
extra curriculars
Correct your spelling
extracurriculars
show examples
can help reduce stress.
In addition
,
this
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these
show examples
subjects
include physical training and a variety of different sports. If someone
passionate
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is passionate
show examples
about it, one can excel in that particular domain.
For example
, Ronaldo is a famous football player
due to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
extremely good physical fitness and training. As
consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
show examples
,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
extra courses should not
remove
Wrong verb form
be removed
show examples
from
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
system. Probing ahead, parents force students to take academic
subjects
such
as science, mathematics, and chemistry.
This
can help them to
purse
Correct your spelling
pursue
show examples
a career in the field of engineering and
medical
Replace the word
medicine
show examples
.
Furthermore
, there is a lot of
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
in
this
field today, so it is difficult to excel in that.
Hence
, one
have
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has
show examples
to study hard and
this
is putting
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
a lot of pressure on children, which
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
in mental health issues. In conclusion, it is understood that academic courses are crucial to become successful in some domains but one can not unseen non-academic
subjects
. I agree with the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
statement after careful
consideraton
Correct your spelling
consideration
of both the arguments. It is predicted that in the future, more and more students will opt for them.
Submitted by vishaljangrala94 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, provide a more balanced argument with clearer support for each viewpoint. While you did mention both sides, ensure that each point is backed up with specific evidence to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, aim to improve the logical structure of your essay by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use linking words to enhance the flow and make sure each idea logically connects with the next. Additionally, improve the introduction and conclusion to provide a firmer grasp of the topic from start to finish.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is essential in a balanced essay. This shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphing, which aids in comprehension and provides a clear structure to your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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