The bar chart below shows the average Australian water consumption in selected cities for last year. The pie chart shows distribution of Aaustralian water consumption for last year

The bar chart below shows the average Australian water consumption in selected cities for last year. The pie chart shows distribution of Aaustralian water consumption  for last year
The bar chart illustrates a summary of
water
consumption
in six different cities in Australia during a year, with the average number of how much
kilolitres
of
water
used per property. In detail, a pie chart supported the
data
with the proportion of
water
used in different sectors.
Overall
, Perth City is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first place
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the most plenty of
water
used in 2014,
Moreover
, statistical
data
displayed that the agriculture
sector
used more than half of
water
Correct article usage
the water
show examples
supply in
overall
consumption
.
To begin
, People in Perth used almost 300
kilolitres
of
water
per property in 2014, followed by Brisbane with 250
kilolitres
of
water
used in the second place.
in particular
, Adelaide has similar
water
consumption
to Brisbane,
while
Sydney only uses 200
kilolitres
of
water
. The
data
also
showed that the Melbourn and Canberra people used a smaller number of
water
than other cities.
Second,
statistical
data
that are presented in a pie chart, depicted
water
consumption
in 7 different sectors. Interestingly, the agriculture
sector
dominated the presentation by using more than half of the
water
supply in Australia, during the year 2014.
On the other hand
, the mining
sector
only used 2% of
water
.
while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
manufacturing and other industries
sector
share the same portion which is only 4%. To summarize, various cities use different amounts of
water
in a year.
However
,
data
showed that Perth City is in the first place. Agriculture highly relies on the
water
supply to support their business.
Submitted by putri on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words water, consumption, kilolitres, data, sector with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 5 times.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.

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