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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the 20th century, contact between many different parts of the world has developed rapidly through air travel and telecommunications. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays, the connection through different parts of the world,
due to
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 advances in telecommunications and
air
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 travelling, has become significantly improved compared to the past.
Although
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this
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 shift turn has various disadvantages for both societies and individuals, In my opinion, the
benefits
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such
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 as developed communities outweigh the drawbacks. First of all, despite the various
benefits
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, developing connections has resulted in dramatic drawbacks and consequences for both societies and individuals.
Therefore
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,
air
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 pollution can be considered as the most significant harmful effect, which has grown dramatically over the years. By placing more emphasis on global warming and
air
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 pollution, increases in
air
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 travelling, contribute to
overall
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 higher production of carbon emissions.
Moreover
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, telecommunications can inherently lead to increasing a sense of isolation among people, particularly the younger generations.
For instance
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, many workforces tend to just stay home and
make
Verb problem
apply
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Use synonyms
communication
Replace the word
communicate
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 on social media rather than
making
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face-to-face
communication
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. So,
this
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 approach can gradually decrease social interactions.
On the other hand
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, the ability to make
communication
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 all around the world has led to vital
benefits
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such
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 as globalization, which has become an important topic of debate.
for instance
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, consider an employee person living in a developing country,
due to
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 these advancements, they can easily fly to other developed countries and seek better job opportunities.
Additionally
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, telecommunications yields international communications and equips individuals, especially employed workers with international knowledge and skills for pursuing their successful careers ways. In conclusion, it is highlighted that
,
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 there are various opinions about increasing
communication
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 around the world
due to
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 improving
air
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 travelling and telecommunication.
Although
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 the disadvantages
such
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 as increased
air
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 pollution and social isolation, the
benefits
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 outweigh the drawbacks, bringing international communications and developed globalization.

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Task Response
Try to address all parts of the task more precisely and make sure the essay directly answers the question throughout the text.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on making the argument clearer and more consistent in its development. Ensure that all ideas are cohesively linked and support your overall point of view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a decent framework for your ideas.
Task Response
A good attempt at answering the question with relevant points has been made, incorporating both sides of the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • telecommunications
  • global economy
  • international trade
  • cultural homogenization
  • environmental impact
  • global warming
  • privacy concerns
  • digital divide
  • misinformation
  • rural communities
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