IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain hogh levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree.

#food #drink #products #hogh #levels #sugar #health #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Most of the tin-packed
products
 have high
sugar
 contents, which is affecting the health of the
people
, so increasing the price of
such
 foods and
drinks
 may limit their use. I strongly disagree with
this
 statement , because,
increasing
Add an article
the increasing
show examples
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 will not affect the public, they will still buy
such
products
.
Secondly
, other local companies may start producing alternative
drinks
. I will explain my opinion with examples. The foremost reason for disagreeing with the statement is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of the
people
, buying
such
products
, are usually from the upper to middle classes, so they will keep buying
such
drinks
.
People
 will keep purchasing these
products
 even if their costs are too high,
this
 is
due to
 their dependency on
such
drinks
. To illustrate, A study was conducted in Pakistan in 2012,
due to
rapid
Correct article usage
the rapid
show examples
 surge of oral cancer in the young generation, they found out cigarette smoking was the main culprit behind oral cancer, so
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
, raised the price of cigarettes to lower the rates of cancer,
however
, they failed, because
people
 were still buying cigarettes, as they were dependent on them.
Furthermore
, if the rates of sugary foods are raised, so
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
local companies will start producing, like-wise
products
 in
less amount
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer amounts
show examples
 and they may have more
sugar
 in them.
For instance
, in India, Pepsi drink was one of the most sold
products
 in
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 15 years,
however
,
due to
 some reasons, its import was banned for 01 month,
however
, local industries started producing alternative
drinks
, with similar colour and taste, but when food regulatory authority inspected
this
 drink, they discovered, that
this
 drink had similar 35 times more
sugar
 in it and was unhealthy.
To conclude
,
sugar
-based
products
 are dangerous for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
, as
this
 increases heart disease and causes obesity, but increasing the price of foods that have
sugar
 will not stop
people
 from buying them.
Submitted by dr.tehreemk on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing a balanced view by acknowledging some merits of increasing prices of sugary foods, even if you disagree overall.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your main argument to maintain logical structure and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Include clear signposting phrases to improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introductory paragraph and a conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
The use of examples to illustrate points helps clarify your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: