Some children spen hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Some
children
spend
hours
on their
smartphones
every
day
.
This
is the case because
smartphones
are very addictive. I personally believe that it is a negative development because it consumes their valuable
time
. Every
day
children
spend
hours
on their phones because they are addictive.
Children
find
smartphones
engaging, and they cannot resist scrolling.
Smartphones
provide them with
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
the Internet which allows them to watch countless content on social media and play games.
Therefore
, they spend a significant amount of
time
every
day
on their phones because they find them funny and entertaining.
For example
,
children
in India spend hour after hour on their phones watching reels because they find them funny. I personally believe that spending
hours
on
smartphones
is a negative development because it consumes a lot of
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
valuable
time
.
Children
can utilize that
time
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
some productive work. They can play, study, and spend
time
with their families. If
smartphones
consumes
Change the verb form
consume
show examples
a significant amount of their valuable
time
, they have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
very little amount of
time
to complete their daily tasks.
As a result
, it affects their
every
Replace the word
everyday
show examples
day
performance at school and home. For
exmple
Correct your spelling
example
, in the USA,
children
spend around 5 to 6
hours
on their
smartphones
and it affects their academic performance at school. In conclusion,
children
find the content of the Internet addictive and
therefore
, they cannot stop scrolling. I personally believe that it is a positive development because it affects their performance at school and home.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic, ensure that the arguments for both "why" and "positive or negative development" are equally developed. This balance will enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical connection between sentences and ideas to ensure smooth flow throughout the essay.
task achievement
It would be beneficial to provide a more comprehensive range of ideas, possibly considering both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and relevant to the topic, creating a good framework for your essay.
task achievement
You provided specific examples to support your points, especially with the cases of children in India and the USA, which strengthens your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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