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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

People today spend less and less time interacting with other people in their neighborhood and this has a negative impact on community. What are the causes and solutions? ab

#people #time #neighborhood #impact #community #ab
Nowadays,
people
 around the world
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 less
time
together with
 their neighbours which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
influences badly
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
community.
This
 issue causes
losing
Verb problem
a loss of
show examples
 social skills, One of the best
solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
show examples
 can be organising
event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
show examples
 on holidays for neighbourhoods. Interacting with other
people
 less
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 less around the home might be
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 becoming introverted and isolated. Many
people
due to
 new technologies, hobbies and
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 are used to
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
show examples
 at home and
scared
Add a missing verb
are scared
show examples
 to speak and ask something,
sometimes
Correct pronoun usage
which sometimes
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads to physical and emotional problems.
This
 harmful consequence
happens
Wrong verb form
happened
show examples
 really often
last
time
,
that is
 why depression and
introvert
Replace the word
introversion
show examples
 are more common now.
For example
, online schools, jobs, texting, games and social media made
people
 interact less in real life. Especially, computer games are popular and users play not
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 hours a day.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 they
are tend
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to interact in
this
 way
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them even more isolated. Walking and finding new friends can improve health too. To solve
this
 actual problem
neibours
Correct your spelling
neighbours
 should manage activities because most of them are scared or shy to talk and
may be
Correct your spelling
maybe
show examples
 do not know what to say. Simple competitions for family or individuals are a helpful idea, holidays and special events are the best days. Free, funny
time
 together
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to relax ,enjoy and get closer.
For instance
,
Change preposition
on sledding
show examples
sledding
Change the spelling
sledging
show examples
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
 in winter on Christmas or New Year,
furthermore
 it will be better to have snacks. Quality
time
 is always the best decision. In conclusion, less interaction between
people
 in real life can damage mental health,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 neighbouring communities can decrease
this
 risk by having fascinating
time
 with each other.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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task achievement
Your introduction could be more specific. Clearly stating the main causes and solutions from the beginning can help guide the reader.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Work on strengthening the transitions between your ideas. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single, clear main idea. This will help maintain cohesion throughout your essay.
task achievement
You identified a relevant problem and suggested practical solutions, demonstrating a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
You made an effort to introduce and conclude your essay, which adds to its overall cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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