IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The governments should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring professional sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#governments #money #sport #art #school #sports #events #communities
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In today's society, some argue that governments should invest in
sports
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 and
art
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 within
schools
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, rather than sponsoring professional
sports
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 and
art
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events
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 in the
community
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. In my opinion,
while
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 both areas are important, the government should prioritize funding
sports
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 and
art
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activities
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 in
schools
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.
Firstly
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, participating in
sports
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 and
art
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activities
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 in
schools
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 can enhance
students
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' physical and mental health. It is well-known that engaging in
sports
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such
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 as football, tennis, and running can exercise people's bodies.
Additionally
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,
students
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 can relieve stress from their studies through these
sports
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. As for
art
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, children can improve their aesthetic abilities by visiting
art
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 exhibitions or attending concerts.
Secondly
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,
students
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 can boost their self-confidence through
sports
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 and
art
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events
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.
For instance
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, when children succeed in basketball games, they experience a sense of achievement, which motivates them to study other subjects like mathematics, science, and language with more enthusiasm.
Furthermore
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,
students
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 often discuss the benefits of
sports
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 and
art
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activities
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 with their families.
For example
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, when children participate in a tennis match or visit an
art
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 exhibition, they return home and share their experiences and feelings with their family, thereby encouraging more people to develop an interest in
sports
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 and arts.
However
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, it is
also
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 important to organize
sports
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 and
art
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events
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 in the
community
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, as they create a positive atmosphere, enhance people's health, and improve their aesthetic appreciation. In conclusion, I believe that the government should prioritize investing in
sports
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 and
art
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activities
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 in
schools
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. At the same time, it is crucial to foster a positive atmosphere in the
community
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 through
such
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events
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. By doing so, the government can ensure that both
students
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 and the wider
community
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 benefit from the development of
sports
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 and arts.
Submitted by 61260881 on

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content
Consider adding more specific examples or data to strengthen your points. For instance, mention specific studies or statistics that support the benefits of sports and arts in schools.
structure
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
content
Try to develop your individual points more fully. Expand on the advantages of community sports and arts events to present a more balanced view.
content
The essay clearly outlines the importance of investment in sports and art activities in schools, presenting a well-structured argument.
structure
The introduction sets a clear foundation for the argument, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the points made.
content
The essay discusses both sides of the argument, showcasing a balanced approach.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Well-rounded education
  • Problem-solving abilities
  • Cognitive skills
  • Healthy habits
  • Obesity prevention
  • Greater inclusivity
  • Communal setting
  • Teamwork
  • Cooperation
  • Shared values
  • Sustainable careers
  • Cost efficiency
  • Societal benefits
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