Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
While
it is widely debated that the government should set their goal for dealing with individual concerns like prevention for illness and diseases as a top priority, others argue that they rather emphasis
more on reducing external factors like environmental pollution and housing problems. The reason why I disagree with the statement seeing that Replace the word
emphasise
both
of them are equally vital in terms of promoting good quality of life of the people
and should be resolved altogether will be discussed further
in this
essay.
To begin
with, it seems sensible for some to believe that prevention of any sickness for their people
supposed
to be Add a missing verb
is supposed
main
Correct article usage
the main
goals
for the authorities to protect their Fix the agreement mistake
goal
people
. This
is possibly because the incident rate of non-communicable disease
were remarkably on the rise which can be worrying for the public. Take, America, Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
for example
; there were
Change the verb form
was
prevailing
rate of obesity found in Correct article usage
a prevailing
both
children and adults over a century. This
curable disease can be manageable with the help from
Change preposition
of
government
in order to prolong healthy active workforces for Add an article
the government
its
country in the future.
Change the word
the
However
, many opponents of this
idea might opposed
that those Verb problem
say
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
is
subjective and personal Correct subject-verb agreement
are
while
pollutions
and Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
Correct article usage
the environments
environments
are more crucial as we all share the same resources. To Fix the agreement mistake
environment
illustrates
, Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
pollutions
Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
such
as air and water as well as
crowded housing due to
the overgrowing of global populations is something that the government should pay attention to the most seeing that these external elements play an important role in individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
health
.
From my point of view, I strongly disagree with resolving particular
dimension alone now that Correct article usage
a particular
both
two aforementioned aspects are strongly linked with each other. When it comes to the quality of life of the people
, their general health
status along with
their surroundings effecting
each other. If the environment is bad it will make our Verb problem
affect
health
bad as well. In this
sense, we should emphasis
Replace the word
emphasise
both
ways to maintain the good health
of the people
.
In summary, although
it is undeniable that these problems should set priority can tackle on
by one for the most effective results, I am of the opinion that these two dimensions are strongly bonded together and need to focus with the same level of attention.Correct your spelling
one
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on
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Task Achievement
Your essay covers multiple perspectives and attempts to provide a balanced view, but it can be clearer and more organized. Try to maintain a consistent argument throughout the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea. Some paragraphs contain multiple points that could be better organized.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the debate and sets up your stance well.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provide examples, such as the rising obesity rates in America, to support your argument, which is effective.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.