IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some schools have restricted the ude o f mobile phones. Is this a positve development or a negative development. Give reasons for your answer and include any example fro your own knowledge or experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →
Introduction
The
phone
Use synonyms
 only communicated things but almost all
students
Use synonyms
seen
Wrong verb form
saw
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
popularity for
yourself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
.
Body · 1
In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the
phone
Use synonyms
do
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 a
school
Use synonyms
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 there are
students
Use synonyms
 focusing on
Use synonyms
phone
Add an article
the phone
show examples
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not listen to lessons.
Body · 2
They take a photograph in
school
Use synonyms
 they do not know fault. They just want to have fun but they do not care fault or other people do not like
take
Fix the infinitive
to take
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
photo
Fix the agreement mistake
photos
show examples
.
Body · 3
The teacher
tell
Change the verb form
tells
show examples
 us
for do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
use
Fix the infinitive
to use
show examples
 a
phone
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 but they do not care. Maybe
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 do not use a
phone
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
.
School
Use synonyms
 is isolated for communication
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 outside.
Body · 4
The
phone
Use synonyms
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a a lot of applications for fun and all applications
remarkable
Add a missing verb
are remarkable
show examples
 so the student
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to upload
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
 ıt
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 addictive properties.
Students
Use synonyms
 become addicted to
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, recently so popular
phone
Use synonyms
game
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
called
show examples
 candy
crash sugar
Correct your spelling
Crash Sugar
show examples
 the
game
Use synonyms
 is very
popularity
Replace the word
popular
show examples
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 all people. The
students
Use synonyms
 only focus on the
game
Use synonyms
 so they do not care
Use synonyms
school
Change preposition
about school
show examples
 lessons. They stayed up late to pass the chapter so they feel sleepy all day.
Body · 5
That
game
Use synonyms
 was replaced by multiple games afterwards but
this
Linking Words
 is
problem
Add an article
a problem
the problem
show examples
 not solved for
students
Use synonyms
 or parents.
Body · 6
Parents should
be control
Change the verb form
control
show examples
 their children because education starts at home. If your children do not listen to you, they do not listen to their teachers either.
Conclusion
There should be a locker at the
enterance
Correct your spelling
entrance
 of the
school
Use synonyms
 and
students
Use synonyms
 should turn off their phones and put them there before entering
school
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Improve the introduction and conclusion sections to clearly state your position and summarize your main points.
structure
Ensure your arguments are logically structured with clear transitions between points for better flow.
content
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments and strengthen your task response.
content
Clarify your main ideas to ensure they are comprehensive and understandable for the reader.
content
Your essay addresses the topic by discussing the potential distractions that mobile phones present in schools.
clarity
There is a clear opinion stated about mobile phones in schools, which is maintained throughout the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: