IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give yourown opinion.

#people #competition #work #school #life #yourown
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Individuals believe that competing with
others
 has a lot of advantages, but
others
 think coopering is more important. In my view, I agree with the latter. I tend to support the view that
people
 should try their best to cooperate with
others
.
To begin
 with, cooperation can help
people
 get better consequences and be more efficient most of the time since they can separate the tasks among different
people
 depending on what they are good at.
For example
, when a group of students needs to finish a presentation, the person who is talented in public speech can handle the
last
 performance easily, compared with the
others
 who spend a lot of time
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
, the group can save time to concentrate on refining the other part. Another key consideration should be that it can cultivate cooperation ability, which is valued by most employers since a well-coordinated person can adjust new environment more quickly. Understandably, there are several reasons why
people
 might argue that
competition
 has advantages. The primary reason they may point out is that through competing with
others
,
people
 realize their shortages effectively can lead to self-improvement to enhance competitiveness.
In addition
, it is the most efficient way to push ourselves to improve which could help to get rewards,
due to
competition
 can stimulate the desire to win, leading
people
 to try their best to work or study.
for instance
, at work,
competition
 for promotions and higher compensation packages.
However
, as far as I am concerned, over-compete may lead to influence on public health because
people
 stay in a high-pressure situation, only putting attention on their shortages and ignoring their strengths, leading to a lack of confidence.
Overall
,
while
 in some ways it may seem reasonable that
competition
 can help
people
 develop abilities and skills to become better, I personally believe that cooperation can reach the same outcome
besides
people
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 more relaxed in
this
 period.
Submitted by yihualuo525 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

relevant specific examples
Expand on the examples to provide a clearer link between your main points and real-life applications. This will strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
logical structure
While your paragraphs are generally well-structured, try to make your transitions between paragraphs smoother. This will improve the overall flow of your essay.
supported main points
Work on supporting each main point with additional evidence or examples where possible. This will help to solidify your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your arguments succinctly.
complete response
You provided a complete response to the task by discussing both views and giving your own opinion, which is crucial for task achievement.
logical structure
The essay showcases logical structuring in your argument presentation, making your general stance easy to follow for the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: