IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is expected in the near future that there will be a higher proportion of old people compared to younger population in some countries. 🔸Is it a positive or negative development? Give your opinion and examples.

#future #proportion #people #population #countries #🔸is #development
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It is undeniable that
the
Change preposition
with the
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 advancement in medicine,
life
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 expectancy has considerably increased
due to
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 which
older
Correct article usage
the older
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population
Use synonyms
 surpass the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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younger
population
Use synonyms
 in many parts of the world. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 it is a positive
as well as
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 negative development and the reasons behind will be explained in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, there are several advantages of having
aged
Correct article usage
an aged
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population
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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experience are parallel concepts, so they must have
wealth
Correct article usage
a wealth
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 of knowledge and wisdom which contributes a lot
in
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to
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 the well-being of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Also
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, with the help of
there
Correct your spelling
their
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 mentorship and better decision-making skills, they definitely
works
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work
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in
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for
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 the betterment of the community.
Apart from
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this
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, in many countries, old people play a crucial role in providing support to their families. They,
for example
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, can look after children which
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
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 parents to concentrate on their professional
life
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.
Moreover
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,
while
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 playing with
there
Replace the word
their
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 grandchildren, they
also
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 pass their expertise and knowledge to them.
As a result
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, it helps them in becoming a person with great manners.
However
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, the increasing number of elderly
population
Use synonyms
 can
also
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 bring problems.
Initially
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, they are more likely to be a burden on
Correct article usage
the governmnet
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governmnet
Correct your spelling
government
 because owing to their condition, they can strain public healthcare systems and pension schemes, potentially leading to higher taxes and reduced services for all as most of the governmental institutes try to promote
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
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 and age care facilities for them which
indicates
Change the verb form
indicate
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 more pressure on young people for paying high taxes.
Therefore
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,
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 workforce feels stress and might face challenges in maintaining economic growth, forcing them to adapt by automating more jobs or
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
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 immigration.
To conclude
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,
although
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 elder people provide us with great
life
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 lessons and motivate us to go
further
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 in our
life
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, they
also
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 bring high pressure
to
Change preposition
on
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tax payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
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 because they
also
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healthcare
Add a missing verb
have healthcare
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 amenities in
adundance
Correct your spelling
abundance
.
Hence
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, it is
neccessay
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for maintaining a balance between both the
population
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by k7jassu on

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clear comprehensive ideas
Enhance the clarity of your ideas by ensuring each paragraph has a central theme or main point. Currently, the ideas are somewhat introduced in a mixed manner.
relevant specific examples
Provide more specific examples to illustrate the points being made. These could include actual policies or case studies of countries facing an aging population.
logical structure
Improving logical flow can be achieved by using more transitioning words and ensuring the paragraphs connect smoothly in context and ideas.
complete response
You've demonstrated a balanced approach by examining both positive and negative aspects, which is crucial in IELTS Task 2 responses.
introduction conclusion present
A clear and structured introduction and conclusion are present, giving your essay a solid framework.
supported main points
The way you mention mentorship and knowledge transfer is effective in highlighting their contributions to society.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • aging population
  • proportion
  • mentorship
  • strain
  • public healthcare systems
  • pension schemes
  • workforce
  • economic growth
  • automation
  • consumption patterns
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • sustainable living
  • environmental conservation
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