IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The percentage of ‏زياده الوزن‏ children in ‏غربي‏ society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.

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Introduction
we will Discuss the causes of e why overweight
children
Use synonyms
 percentage in western society
start
Wrong verb form
has started
show examples
 to increase in the
last
Linking Words
 10
yeare
Correct your spelling
years
year
 by 20%.
Body paragraph 1
on
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand , one of the causes for
children
Use synonyms
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
not healthy
foof
Correct your spelling
food
 .in other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
Correct your spelling
food
fod
Correct your spelling
food
 with a lot of fat and oil
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 the
Body paragraph 2
weight
Use synonyms
 increase
.for
Correct your spelling
For example
exampl
Correct your spelling
example
 , the fast
food
Use synonyms
 is the main cause of overweight
Body paragraph 3
study
Correct your spelling
pushed
plushed
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found
in
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at
show examples
 New York
university
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University
show examples
 that 80%
from
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of
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 who eat
a fast
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fast food
a portion of fast food
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 have more
weight
Use synonyms
 than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 eat
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Correct your spelling
healthy
helthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
food
Use synonyms
Body paragraph 4
on the other hand
Linking Words
 . not move
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a normal way or
plya
Correct your spelling
play
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
out
said
Verb problem
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
withe
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
 other
kids
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 , and just stay
it
Correct your spelling
at
show examples
 home and watch
tv
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TV
show examples
 or play
wiht
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with
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 phone all the time
cause
Verb problem
are
show examples
 overweight .
along with
Linking Words
. sport is an an important thing for a good
helthe
Correct your spelling
health
healthy
 and a good
weight
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
in my
opinion
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opinion,
show examples
 the parent
Correct your spelling
should
shuld
Correct your spelling
should
 the caer about
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
weight
Use synonyms
 and
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
roten
Correct your spelling
rotten
 like what did
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 do and eat
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
helty
Correct your spelling
healthy
hefty
food
Use synonyms
 with a lot of
proten
Correct your spelling
protein
 for
Correct your spelling
example
exampl
Correct your spelling
example and
ind
Correct your spelling
and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 a plan for
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 important thing and
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 make
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 play with a phone
Use synonyms
withe
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
 a long time or just make them
an
Replace the word
and
show examples
 a tv , the need to go out said and play
Use synonyms
withe
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
 a
kids
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
withe
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
 a same age and do sport in
evry
Correct your spelling
every
 day to move
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 body
in my opinion
Add the comma(s)
, in my opinion,
show examples
this
Linking Words
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 one of
importand
Correct your spelling
important
 steep for a good
weight
Use synonyms

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coherence cohesion
Work on creating a clearer logical structure to your essay. Organize your ideas into paragraphs with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction that clearly states the topic and your opinion, and a conclusion that summarizes the main points.
task achievement
Provide more comprehensive ideas and explore the topic in depth. Elaborate further on points raised and ensure each point is clearly explained.
positive highlights
Try to maintain accuracy in language use, and avoid repetitions. Seek to use a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures.
task achievement
You have identified several relevant causes contributing to the increase in overweight children in Western society, such as unhealthy eating habits and lack of physical activity.
task achievement
Your essay discusses specific examples like fast food consumption and sedentary lifestyles, making the argument more tangible.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • advancements in technology
  • physical activities
  • availability
  • popularity
  • fast food
  • high-calorie
  • marketed aggressively
  • preferred choice
  • lack of awareness
  • education
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritional values
  • dietary choices
  • physical
  • psychological
  • risk
  • developing
  • serious health problems
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart disease
  • bullying
  • social isolation
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • long-term impact
  • quality of life
  • personal and professional life
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