In today's world, people spend a lot ofmoney on appearance because they wantto look younger. Why does this happen? Doyou think this is a positive or negative de-velopment?
Nowadays, more and more
people
spend money
on how to make them become more beautiful and younger.I think this
phenomenon is a negative development.There are two reasons I would like to mention about
.
Change preposition
apply
Firstly
, paying significant attention and funds on
appearance may affect the normal operation of Change preposition
to
society
, even increasing the crime rate. If the family spend more money
on their face than their necessities such
as the
food and accommodation in daily life, they might end up with big Correct article usage
apply
money
problems and even do illegal things to pay for plastic surgery. Beauty standards always change , so people
keep trying to be perfect but they will never be satisfied with their faces. It will make people
addicted to do
Unnecessary verb
apply
the
beauty surgeries. It is not only unhealthy Correct article usage
apply
to
their bodies but Change preposition
for
also
have
Change the verb form
has
bad
influence on Correct article usage
a bad
society
because they might borrow money
for these surgeries, it
may even lead them to commit crimes.
Correct word choice
and it
Secondly
, this
behavior
can Change the spelling
behaviour
also
have dangerous effects on children
within the family. The parents pay a lot of attention to their beauty and ignore their children
’s education and growth will have negative
influence on Add an article
a negative
children
’s mental health. This
neglect might lead to depression among young people
.Furthermore
, children
might learn from their parents'
Correct your spelling
parent's
behavior
, they will Change the spelling
behaviour
also
spend more time on their appearance than on studying, which will lead to more and more useless people
in society
. Students might begin to compare their Correct your spelling
looking
looks
lookings
with others, Correct your spelling
looks
lead
to more and more Wrong verb form
leading
students
lack of
confidence, even Change noun form
students'
student's
children
may begin to bully others or be bullied.
If people
spend a lot of money
on appearance, it will lead to an increase in the crime rate in society
and affect children
's mental health. These are all very negative developments. Over time, this
development will make the whole society
regress.However
, I believe there will have many solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
on
Change preposition
to
this
negative situation in the future.Submitted by cyh000823 on
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task achievement
Try to include specific evidence or examples to support your points more clearly. This would enhance your argument and make it more compelling.
task achievement
Some of the arguments are repeated or slightly off the point. Try to stay focused on the specific question presented.
coherence cohesion
Consider breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones to improve understandability.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which wraps up the argument nicely.
task achievement
You have identified relevant points in the essay regarding societal and individual impacts.
coherence cohesion
The essay is clearly structured into paragraphs, each dealing with a specific point, which aids clarity.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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