IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In today's world, people spend a lot ofmoney on appearance because they wantto look younger. Why does this happen? Doyou think this is a positive or negative de-velopment?

#world #people #ofmoney #appearance #wantto #happen #doyou #de-velopment
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Nowadays, more and more
people
Use synonyms
 spend
money
Use synonyms
 on how to make them become more beautiful and younger.I think
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is a negative development.There are two reasons I would like to mention
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Firstly
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, paying significant attention and funds
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 appearance may affect the normal operation of
society
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, even increasing the crime rate. If the family spend more
money
Use synonyms
 on their face than their necessities
such
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 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food and accommodation in daily life, they might end up with big
money
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 problems and even do illegal things to pay for plastic surgery. Beauty standards always change , so
people
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 keep trying to be perfect but they will never be satisfied with their faces. It will make
people
Use synonyms
 addicted to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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beauty surgeries. It is not only unhealthy
to
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for
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 their bodies but
also
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have
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has
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bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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 influence on
society
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 because they might borrow
money
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 for these surgeries,
it
Correct word choice
and it
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 may even lead them to commit crimes.
Secondly
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,
this
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behavior
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behaviour
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 can
also
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 have dangerous effects on
children
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 within the family. The parents pay a lot of attention to their beauty and ignore their
children
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’s education and growth will have
negative
Add an article
a negative
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 influence on
children
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’s mental health.
This
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 neglect might lead to depression among young
people
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.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 might learn from their
parents'
Correct your spelling
parent's
show examples
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
, they will
also
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 spend more time on their appearance than on studying, which will lead to more and more useless
people
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 in
society
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. Students might begin to compare their
Correct your spelling
looking
looks
lookings
Correct your spelling
looks
 with others,
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
 to more and more
students
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students'
student's
show examples
 lack of confidence, even
children
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 may begin to bully others or be bullied. If
people
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 spend a lot of
money
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 on appearance, it will lead to an increase in the crime rate in
society
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 and affect
children
Use synonyms
's mental health. These are all very negative developments. Over time,
this
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 development will make the whole
society
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 regress.
However
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, I believe there will have many
solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
show examples
on
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to
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this
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 negative situation in the future.
Submitted by cyh000823 on

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task achievement
Try to include specific evidence or examples to support your points more clearly. This would enhance your argument and make it more compelling.
task achievement
Some of the arguments are repeated or slightly off the point. Try to stay focused on the specific question presented.
coherence cohesion
Consider breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones to improve understandability.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which wraps up the argument nicely.
task achievement
You have identified relevant points in the essay regarding societal and individual impacts.
coherence cohesion
The essay is clearly structured into paragraphs, each dealing with a specific point, which aids clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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