IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that because of email and telephone, communication among people is less personal now than it used to be. Do you agree or disagree with that view.

#people #email #telephone #communication
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It is often argued that several
individuals
 find it challenging to communicate with others and become less personal
due to
 mobile devices and email. From my perspective, It seems convincing since there are some considerably negative effects on
people
such
 as addiction, and a decrease in health.
To begin
 with, I accepted that these services can effectively help
people
. First of all, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 an amount of information on the
internet
, meaning that it will be more helpful
instead
 of other
individuals
. If scholars or workers should write their essays or assignments quickly and accurately, they will be supported on the
Internet
. In
this
 regard, through their paper, these can be introduced into the companies' technologies, and it heavily leads to an increase in economic growth.
Secondly
, Not only there is society outside, but
also
 there is another society online. It is deeply associated with
people
's character. Nowadays,
people
 can earn their money online so it is not important for everyone around the world to have a daily routine outside.
On the other hand
,
internet
 users will have several problems.
Firstly
, their life cycle will be broken and cannot be fixed by themselves. These
individuals
 are definitely addicted so they will suffer from going outside.
As a result
, their health would deteriorate and they are likely to need help.
For example
, in Japan, there are a number of
people
 called "Hikikomori", which
people
 stay continuously at home.
Moreover
, it leads to a decrease in economic growth because they tend not to work, including not paying taxes. More and more funds are dropping so they should put an emphasis on education activating outside. In conclusion, the drawbacks that the
internet
 brings to both
individuals
 and the authorities should not be underestimated.
Submitted by Rndlrdl on

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the task by discussing both sides of the argument—how email and telephones make communication less personal and their potential benefits. To improve, you could make your stance slightly clearer in your thesis statement. It's important that your position is easy for the reader to identify from the start. Consider stating explicitly whether you agree or disagree with the idea that communication is less personal now.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay is logically organized, some points could be more effectively supported with specific details or examples. For instance, when discussing addiction, you might name specific studies or data that connect excessive use of email/telephone with social withdrawal.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a good flow and logical structure. However, aim for concrete and specific examples to enhance your argument's strength. This will not only make your essay more persuasive but also demonstrate a better understanding of the task.
Structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
Task Achievement
Your essay explores both the benefits and drawbacks of communication technology, demonstrating a balanced perspective.
Cohesion
The transition between paragraphs is smooth, which aids in the readability of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Face-to-face interactions
  • Non-verbal cues
  • Emotional depth
  • Digital communication
  • Convenience
  • Time-efficient
  • Misunderstandings
  • Instant messaging
  • Social media
  • Connected
  • Accessibility
  • Swift decision-making
  • Documentation
  • Formal tone
  • Altered the landscape
  • Emotional connection
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