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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe, that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
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Some types of people believe that
children
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 must be taught to be good members of
society
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 by their
parents
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.
On the other hand
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, people think places for learning its education
centers
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centres
show examples
. I reckon that
children
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 should be taught by their
parents
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,
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apply
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 because educating
for
Correct pronoun usage
them for
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 good
behavior
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behaviour
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 is its
parents
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’
responsibility
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 and education from
parents
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 in most situations is the best choice.
Parents
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 should take care of their
children
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’s role in
society
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.
Firstly
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, it’s their
responsibility
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 to teach and educate their
children
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. Because
children
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 their
creature
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creatures
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 that are made from their love and plenty of
parents
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 have moral principles
such
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 as taking care of
children
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 and educating them.
For example
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, plenty of
parents
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 in Kazakhstan reckon that they should teach their
children
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,
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apply
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 because Kazakhs have
tradition
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traditions
show examples
such
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 as taking
responsibility
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 for their
children
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.
Secondly
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, teaching from
parents
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 is in most cases the best choice. Because they teach their
children
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with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
responsibility
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,
make
Correct word choice
and make
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 sure that they educate
children
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 with the best option that they have.
For instance
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, in most schools’ teenagers are good members of
society
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 when they are educated by their
parents
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.
On the other hand
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, people believe that
teachers
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 should teach their
children
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 to be good members of
society
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. Because they think
teachers
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 should take
responsibility
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 for
children
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 and they do not know about the real job of
teachers
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.
For example
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, in some situations
such
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 as
in
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apply
show examples
rich
families
Add a comma
families,
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 they
took
Wrong verb form
take
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 their
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to school and plenty of these families believe that the
teachers
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’ job
for teaching
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to teach
show examples
 their
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 is not only knowledge
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 being part of
society
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. In conclusion,
teachers
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 should teach
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child
Add an article
a child
show examples
 on knowledge of subjects,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 in
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society
Add a comma
society,
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 part and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 part of
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child
Add an article
the child
a child
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 should be taught by
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child
Add an article
a child
the child
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. I strongly believe that all
parents
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 would take care about
society
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 life of their
child
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by erkasiet2008 on

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task achievement
Clarify arguments and ideas with more specific examples. The essay needs more detailed examples to support points adequately.
coherence cohesion
Focus on organizing paragraphs logically. Improving the logical structure will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing key points effectively and presenting a clear stance.
task achievement
The essay addresses both viewpoints, showing awareness of the complexities of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The paragraphing is generally clear, contributing to the clarity of the essay.
task achievement
Attempts to provide reasoning for opinions, such as the responsibility of parents.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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