IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In the
last
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 two
decades
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decades,
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 technology has experienced extremely rapid development and it has become an important part of our daily routine. To give an example, nowadays most people use the alarm of their phones to wake up in the morning, the old alarms have become unused.
However
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,
this
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 aspect has its negative aspects. The daily use of the internet has contributed to the trend of monitoring people.
For instance
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, websites use instruments, called cookies, to collect
information
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 about their users, like what they like or their interests.
This
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information
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 is used to create personalized advertising for the users.
For example
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, if someone wants to buy a specific pair of shoes and searches for them online, it is very likely that just a few days after that, he will see on his social network an advertisement for a website that sells those shoes. As far as I’m concerned having personalized advertisements is not a completely bad thing. Sometimes,
for example
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, I do not know where to buy something, so it is useful for me to have something that helps me.
On the other hand
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, the moral aspect has to be considered. It is not known which type of
information
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 websites collect and who has access to it. Another issue is that modern criminals want to steal
this
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information
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 in order to sell it. In conclusion, I believe that being monitored has some useful advantages but,
on the contrary
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, the disadvantages surely outweigh them.

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task achievement
Try to expand on your main points with more examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments. For instance, discuss how monitoring through security cameras impacts public spaces or how cellphone tracking affects personal privacy.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Consider developing a more nuanced discussion by addressing potential counterarguments or exploring how advantages and disadvantages might vary in different contexts or for different groups of people.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your discussion and provide closure.
task achievement
You have provided specific examples, like the use of cookies for personalized advertising, which help to illustrate your points.
task achievement
The overall essay maintains a focused discussion on the topic, addressing both advantages and disadvantages of technology monitoring.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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