Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?
In many societies, whether
the
people should continue working in their old age is a hot topic of debate. Some argue that individuals should retire to enjoy their final golden years, Correct article usage
apply
while
others believe that continuing to work
is beneficial. I agree with the idea of being an old workforce in the labour market.
Firstly
, remaining in works
offers seniors a believable and stable source of income, which can significantly Fix the agreement mistake
work
comfort
financial pressures and Verb problem
ease
then
raise the satisfaction of living in the
society. As the living standard Correct article usage
apply
rising
, many families in the society Wrong verb form
rises
that is
developed are really under a serious situation of raising children and allocative
income into useful fields. By more people in the family starting to stay in working and enhancing the total property, the quality of life can be improved. Correct your spelling
allocating
For instance
, a survey done by a financial organisation found that though at the age of retirement, the old who are still engaging in part-time jobs can make a
great progress on lower the level of their Remove the article
apply
finance
stress and higher the Replace the word
financial
joyment
in their daily life, compared to those who have nothing to do Correct your spelling
enjoyment
everyday
. Replace the word
every day
This
additional income can allow adults to have more purchasing power on healthcare, travel, and acedamic
activities that contribute to themselves.
Correct your spelling
academic
Moreover
, older workers
will bring valuable experience
and professional knowledge to the young workforce. Their knowledge, getting
from decades of working years, can be treated as a priceless Verb problem
apply
resources
for younger employees to adapt to the jobs much quicker. Especially for those Correct the article-noun agreement
resource
workers
and managers, which are in need of rich working experience
. And themselves, the older employees, also
can help a lot in reduce
the gaps in talent shortages and Wrong verb form
reducing
diminish
the economic burden, bringing from hiring and training a new worker. The marginal cost of Wrong verb form
diminishing
an
firm will keep rising, Change the article
a
due to
the decreasing of the value of a totally new employee hired. Instead
of finding a new one, if a talented but old worker can join in the work
and think of a way to enhance the productivity of the whole firm, the marginal revenue can soon excess
the cost and Replace the word
exceed
then
produce much more products and earn more. As a result
, old workers
' experience
and expertise can be remembered and passed to
the next generation.
Change preposition
on to
However
, some critics argue that older workers
may have not only lower physical capacity,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
lower demand of
wages so Change preposition
for
that
they are not so enthusiastic to compete with others, which means a lower activeness of working so hard as the young. Correct word choice
apply
While
it is essential to acknowledge the effect of age-related changes, it is equally important to recognise that many seniors bring a stable
Correct the article-noun agreement
stable work conditions
a stable work condition
work
conditions without much
accidents, much more wisdom Change the quantifier
many
due to
the
calm thinking, and much more life Correct article usage
apply
experience
to support them to overcome
the difficult period of the company. By an arrangement of Change preposition
in overcoming
mix
the young and the old together to Wrong verb form
mixing
work
, the work
environment can create a smoother, gentler and smarter group of employees,
and other than that excess their strengths and confidence.
In conclusion, I totally agree that individuals need the opportunity to keep working in the fields they love whenever possible. The potential benefits, including Remove the comma
apply
enhance
financial security, improved physical health and the richness of Change the form of the verb
enhanced
experience
, a lot outweigh the drawbacks. The governments as well as
the societies need to consider that and allow for a longer advanced period to give them a chance to achieve their value in golden years.Submitted by pitaleung8 on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay maintains a clear and consistent logical structure throughout. While the ideas are well-organized, refining the transition between ideas can improve clarity.
task achievement
Extend your examples and explanations for each main point. Providing more depth will help strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, establishing the topic and summarizing the argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses both financial and experiential benefits of older people continuing to work, showing a balanced understanding of the topic.
overall writing quality
A good variety of sentence structures and vocabulary is used, enhancing readability and engagement.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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