Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #students #government #money #time #activities #people

While

government

Correct article usage

the government

show examples

only focusing on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

academics, they should

also

consider

about

Change preposition

apply

show examples

their recreational activities. I partially agree with

this

statement, formal learning is undeniably important for

societal

Correct article usage

the societal

show examples

progress of a

country

However

, overemphasizing too much on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

education

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

may lead to

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

deteriorating mental health.

First,

well

structured

Correct your spelling

well-structured

show examples

education system is

Correct article usage

the

show examples

backbone of a prosperous

country

. It provides youngsters with

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

academic essential knowledge, that can be

the

Correct article usage

show examples

innovation for the

country

For example

country

Correct article usage

a country

show examples

such

as Singapore is renowned for

the

Change the word

its

show examples

highest education system, which emphasizes academic excellence and holistic development for a

country

Therefore

, expenditure of money should be spent

for

Change preposition

show examples

ensuring demands for students

for achieving

Wrong verb form

achieve

show examples

higher results.

On the other hand

, indication educators on the extracurricular programs may tend to perform better in their studies.

For instance

musics

Change the wording

music

kinds of music

pieces of music

show examples

, sports and arts are experiences to develop their creativity, logical thinking and resilience.

Therefore

, students who

are attending

Wrong verb form

attend

show examples

such

kind

Fix the agreement mistake

kinds

show examples

of activities, are capable

to boost

Change preposition

of boosting

show examples

self-confidence and well-being. In conclusion,

government

Add an article

the government

show examples

should set a balance between leisure activities and

studying

Change the verb form

study

show examples

for developing

Change preposition

to develop

show examples

their youngsters in both

mentally

Change the word

mental

show examples

and

physically

Change the word

physical

show examples

ways.

Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on Thu Nov 21 2024

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clarity

Improve the clarity of ideas by making sentences more concise. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones to enhance readability.

content

Add more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This will enhance the strength of your arguments and illustrate them more concretely.

language

Revise grammatical structures and word choices to improve naturalness. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles.

structure

Your essay has a clear introduction that presents your position on the topic, followed by a conclusion that neatly summarizes your main argument.

task response

The essay successfully addresses the prompt by discussing both the importance of education and the role of recreational activities, showing a balanced view.

language

You have shown the ability to use complex sentences, which is an important skill at this level.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
24Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

185 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Word Count

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