IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Write about the following topic. Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement

#topic #children #lifestyle #schools #parents
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In the present time, plenty of
children
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 lead an unhealthy life.
Schools
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 and
parents
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 are responsible for solving
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Schools
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 are responsible and communicate with
parents
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.Provide parenting tips for encouraging school success to
parents
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.Include
parents
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 in building a learning community.Avoid using educational jargon and provide clear and practical ways
parents
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 can support learning.Teach respect and respond to bullying and inappropriate behaviours.In school,
children
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 take a healthy lifestyle and spend a big part of their day.Our society may be giving
schools
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 increasingly more responsibility for raising
children
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.
Parents
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 may be expecting too much of
schools
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 with an attitude.
Schools
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 may experience more and more frustration that
parents
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 do not do enough, but
schools
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 do have a responsibility to guide
children
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 and encourage and involve
parents
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. Most
children
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 at an early young age can not control their primitive desire to eat, play, sleep and other behaviours as well,
therefore
Linking Words
 they might do things too much.
For example
Linking Words
, some
children
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 are more likely to watch television or play video games all day. For
children
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,
parents
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 model behaviour: and model appropriate behaviour. We are involved in your child’s learning.
Parents
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 should avoid being defensive about feedback about their child. Do not rescue your child. We must be involved in your school before a problem occurs rather than only after there is a problem. In conclusion,
parents
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 and
schools
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 must find a compromise with
children
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.
Parents
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 and
schools
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 must share the responsibility and cooperate to ensure the social, emotional, and intellectual growth of
children
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.
Submitted by genartem1986 on

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task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to illustrate how schools and parents can address children's unhealthy lifestyles.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the thesis and that paragraphs are linked smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay successfully presents an introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both the role of schools and parents.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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