IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Most people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions?

#people #career #time #situation
It is undeniable that it is hard to balance between success in your job, and
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
 family at the same
time
.
This
 results in family breakdown, leading to more serious issues. to solve
this
 problem working
hours
 should be decreased, so families can spend more
time
 together. In recent years, family disintegration rates increased dramatically, because the
hours
 employees are supposed to spend in the office obviously increased compared to the past.
As a consequence
, the quality of
time
 the family
spent
Wrong verb form
spends
show examples
 together decreases.
This
 leads to serious problems ,
for example
, addiction. The less ess
time
 parents spend with their kids means the less they know about them ,and have the chance to guide them. New research has found that people rising in disintegrated families show more than 40% tendency to addict smoking . To tackle
this
 issue, the government should take
this
 issue seriously, strict rules have to be imposed on the companies
ristricting
Correct your spelling
restricting
 working
hours
.
This
 allows parents to invest more
time
 in talking
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and listening to their children which brings them closer . recent studies show that decreasing 1.5 working
hour
Change to a plural noun
hours
show examples
 by day could noticeably improve children's addictive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. In conclusion, people spend less quality
time
 with their family, leading to serious problems
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 addiction.
this
 could be managed by decreasing working
hours
.
Submitted by joudfadi2000 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure to maintain consistency in tone and language throughout your essay. In some places, the essay transitions from formal to overly informal usage. Maintaining a consistent tone can enhance clarity and professionalism.
task achievement
Include more specific and detailed examples to support your points. For instance, when discussing family breakdowns and addiction, additional nuanced examples or statistics could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Review the use of punctuation and capitalization; there are minor errors, such as "recent studies" which should be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Correcting these can improve the overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay clearly introduces the topic and provides a conclusion offering a potential solution. This effectively frames and wraps up your argument, showcasing good structure.
task achievement
The essay identifies a significant problem (family breakdown due to work pressures) and suggests a practical solution (government intervention in work hours), demonstrating task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • stress
  • burnout
  • family responsibilities
  • time management
  • relationship strain
  • prioritize
  • flexible working arrangements
  • telecommuting
  • communication
  • extended family
  • childcare
  • self-care
  • personal well-being
  • satisfaction
What to do next:
Look at other essays: