Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Most of the student's attention is focused on education. The extra financial support from the government should be spent on extracurricular
activities
. I partially agree with the latter idea since it helps reduce stress and improves creativity, as concentrating on study
will lead to achieving success and be prioritized over other activities
.
Allocating an extra budget beyond the normal amount of free time activities
is effective in getting rid of the pressure that is
frequently experienced by students
while
studying period.Since
Correct word choice
Students
students
can become mentally tired from studying, which unavoidably leads to stress while
studying hard.For example
, leisure activities
help youngsters to
unwind by improving their creativity, which cannot be fully developed Verb problem
apply
while
studying intensively.Consequently
, extra allocated money from the government for extra free time activities
may be the best way to have a rest after long-term study
.
Nevertheless
,while
paying attention on
Change preposition
to
ectracurriculer
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
activities
,students
may less concentrate on their education. As
Correct word choice
Students
students
may prioritize extracurricular activities
over their studies, which could result in incomplete assignments or less preparation for exams.For instance
, paying more attention to study
may be prioritized, which helps students
with their future prospects rather than engaging in free time activities
.Therefore
, it is essential to take the usefulness of study
into account, in spite of neglecting it for the purpose of having leisure.
In conclusion, while
the importance of education is prioritized, especially for students
' prospects, in my view, the
financial support from the government will be helpful, as engaging Correct article usage
apply
students
in extracurricular activities
helps them rest and unwind after long-term study
.Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on
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task response
To enhance task response, provide more detailed examples and explanations to support the main arguments fully. Consider elaborating on points such as how specific activities can help reduce stress or how excessive focus on extracurricular activities could hinder academic success.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by ensuring a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. Consider using more connective devices and transitions to guide the reader through your arguments seamlessly.
task response
Clarify ideas slightly to help comprehensibility. Some sentences are complex and may require rephrasing for simplicity and clarity. Breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences can help convey your message more effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have clearly presented an introduction and conclusion that frame your arguments succinctly, which is an excellent foundation for a strong essay.
task response
The essay identifies and briefly discusses two perspectives on the topic, which shows a balanced approach to addressing the task.
task response
Points made about the benefits of government spending on extracurricular activities, such as stress reduction and creativity enhancement, are relevant and strengthen your argument.
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