IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #students #government #money #time #activities #people
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There is a significant concentration on the
education
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 of
students
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.
While
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 governments should prioritize spending extra finances on extracurricular
activities
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, I partially agree with the latter idea, as
education
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 is the foundation of their prospects. Having opportunities for
leisure
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activities
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 is crucial for
students
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, as extracurricular
activities
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 provide
necessary
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the necessary
show examples
 guidance for improving their creativity after academic pressure.
For example
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, free-time
activities
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 like sports and arts help
students
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 to be encouraged in different ways and improve their creativity skills.
Therefore
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, it is important to have
leisure
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activities
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 to approach any situation with their creativeness and expand their skills.
Nevertheless
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,
while
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 paying attention to extracurricular
activities
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, there may be less concentration on their
education
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, as
students
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 may prioritize extracurricular
activities
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 over their studies, which could result in incomplete assignments or a lack of knowledge.
For instance
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, prioritizing study over
leisure
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activities
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 helps
students
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 with their future prospects, rather than engaging in free-time
activities
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.
Thus
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, it is essential to take the usefulness of study into account, rather than neglecting it for the purpose of
leisure
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. In conclusion,
while
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 the importance of
education
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 is prioritized, especially for
students
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' prospects, in my view, the financial support of the government should be spent on
students
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' free-time
activities
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, which will be an effective way to improve their creativity and other skills after long-term study.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Ensure that all arguments are fully developed with relevant examples and explanations to support your ideas, which can enhance the task response.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas, and provide more signposting between paragraphs to enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a clear framework for your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas about the importance of both education and extracurricular activities for students.
task achievement
The main points are generally well-supported with examples about the effects of extracurricular activities on creativity and academic focus.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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