Some people believe that our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is a belief of some
people
that inherited genes determines
the personality of individuals, and the options for these alterations are not there. Correct subject-verb agreement
determine
However
, I, firmly disagree with this
statement as in this
era with the assistance of science and directional training even the personalities of people
can be improved.
To commence with, the first and foremost point behind my disagreement is that physical traits such
as hair colour, height, facial
features, could be enhanced by using science and technology. Correct word choice
and facial
This
is because, today there are enormous surgeries that people
can choose to gain and improve these features. For an
instance, it is a common practice among actresses and actors to undergo facial enhancement surgeries, which include chin lengthening, Correct article usage
apply
jaw line
sharpening, botox and fillers. Correct your spelling
jawline
Thus
, with this
advancement
the Add a comma
advancement,
appearence
of individuals can be changed.
Moving Correct your spelling
appearance
further
, the mindset and intelligence of people
can also
become better by providing them education
and promoting Change preposition
with education
independency
. The reason behind Correct your spelling
independence
this
is that it might help natives to work in a directional approach, which could provide them assistance in opening new treasures of life. For example
, In India, a few years ago, son
of a street vendor cracked the most difficult exam of Indian public services, meanwhile his parents were illiterate, Correct article usage
the son
just
Correct word choice
and just
with by
having adequate guidance. Change preposition
apply
In addition
to this
, when people
lead an independent life, they have to deal with many issues on their own, which sometimes makes them to
think out of the way and gain more life experiences.
In conclusion, in my perspective Change the verb form
apply
although
, genetics provides the basic characters
Replace the word
characteristics
to
an individual, Change preposition
of
but
these can be improvised by the utilization of technological upgradation in science, with the help of education and following Remove the conjunction
apply
independent
lifestyle.Add an article
an independent
Submitted by plkkhati on
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coherence cohesion
To improve your logical structure, ensure that each paragraph logically flows into the next by using transitional phrases and linking words more effectively.
task achievement
Work on refining the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. Some sentences are a bit complex and could be simplified for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
Remember to clearly define your stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion to strengthen your essay's coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which aids in framing your arguments well.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the example of the son of a street vendor in India, which aptly support your main ideas.