IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for the education of young people. More government money should be spend on free time activities for young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, more attention is given to student's
education
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.
Thus
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, the
government
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 should spend more money on free
time
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activities
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 which are for young
people
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.
Although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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give
Wrong verb form
giving
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 more money and opportunities for
education
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 is better than leisurely
time
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activities
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 in some cases, children have to spend their free
time
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 on some kind of
activities
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 which are useful for them. To give more emphasis to
education
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 is more and more beneficial than other
activities
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. Because the young generation has
time
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 and health to learn more bits of
knowledge
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.
For instance
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, when
people
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 start learning at a young age they can find their way in life more than others.
Thus
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, paying more attention to
education
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 is the best way to increase young
people
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's
knowledge
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. The
government
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 should spend more budget on leisure
activities
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 for growing
people
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. Because when they are tired from
education
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 and learning new things they just want to relax with some kind of activity ,
for instance
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: football, basketball, or games which is useful for their mental development.
This
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 type of act is more beneficial for children. In
this
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 way, they can
also
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 learn more beneficial pieces of
knowledge
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 than lessons
bucouse
Correct your spelling
because
 it is more fascinating to them.
Accordingly
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, the
government
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 have to spend more money on free
time
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activities
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 for the young generation's department.
To conclude
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,
education
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 is profitable for youngsters but they
also
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 have to be free to do
activities
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 which are helpful to learn more pieces of
knowledge
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.
Thus
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, the
government
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 should give
an
Correct pronoun usage
them an
show examples
 opportunity for their mental development.

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task response
Clarify your stance more clearly in the introduction.
task response
Use more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Improve the flow by using clearer transitions between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your arguments are fully developed with more detailed explanations.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task response
You addressed both sides of the argument about education and leisure activities.
structure
The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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