Too much emphasis is given for the education of young people. More government money should be spend on free time activities for young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, more attention is given to student's
education
. Thus
, the government
should spend more money on free time
activities
which are for young people
. Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
give
more money and opportunities for Wrong verb form
giving
education
is better than leisurely time
activities
in some cases, children have to spend their free time
on some kind of activities
which are useful for them.
To give more emphasis to education
is more and more beneficial than other activities
. Because the young generation has time
and health to learn more bits of knowledge
. For instance
, when people
start learning at a young age they can find their way in life more than others. Thus
, paying more attention to education
is the best way to increase young people
's knowledge
.
The government
should spend more budget on leisure activities
for growing people
. Because when they are tired from education
and learning new things they just want to relax with some kind of activity , for instance
: football, basketball, or games which is useful for their mental development. This
type of act is more beneficial for children. In this
way, they can also
learn more beneficial pieces of knowledge
than lessons bucouse
it is more fascinating to them. Correct your spelling
because
Accordingly
, the government
have to spend more money on free time
activities
for the young generation's department.
To conclude
, education
is profitable for youngsters but they also
have to be free to do activities
which are helpful to learn more pieces of knowledge
. Thus
, the government
should give an
opportunity for their mental development.Correct pronoun usage
them an
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task response
Clarify your stance more clearly in the introduction.
task response
Use more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Improve the flow by using clearer transitions between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your arguments are fully developed with more detailed explanations.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task response
You addressed both sides of the argument about education and leisure activities.
structure
The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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