IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many parts of the world, shopping is no longer a way that people buy things that they need, and it has been developed into a form of entertainment. What are the reasons for this development? Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In many countries,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to spend money on those
items
Use synonyms
 that they do not actually need.
This
Linking Words
 occurs
due to
Linking Words
 the persuasive advertisements, which encourage customers to buy unnecessary
items
Use synonyms
. I believe
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development because it increases financial burden, may even push individuals towards bankruptcy. Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 rely on watching ads before making their decision
of buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
. These commercials provide them
knowledge
Change preposition
with knowledge
show examples
 about different products by using effective visuals on social media. Many customers do not even take
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 to compare products
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and evaluate whether they truly need them.
Infact
Correct your spelling
In fact
, companies offer discounts on various brands to attract the attention of viewers, and persuade them to spend unnecessarily without having
actual
Correct article usage
an actual
show examples
 need.
For instance
Linking Words
, Apple launches their iPhone series every year with minor modifications, and
people
Use synonyms
 eagerly
waiting
Wrong verb form
wait
show examples
 to spend on
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 models immediately.
This
Linking Words
 shows how marketing strategy
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 them to spend impulsively.
However
Linking Words
, I believe
this
Linking Words
 should be
consider
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 as a negative development. When
people
Use synonyms
 continue to spend on unnecessary
items
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 it would increase their financial burden, and
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 it hard to manage their essential expenses. Now, most bank offers credit cards
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and short-term loans to individuals
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads
debt
Change preposition
to debt
show examples
 accumulation over time.
Consequently
Linking Words
, constant shopping
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and poor financial planning may even push individuals towards bankruptcy, which leads to
create
Verb problem
apply
show examples
financial instability in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. In conclusion, advertisements play a major role in encouraging
people
Use synonyms
 to purchase
items
Use synonyms
 they do not genuinely require.
This
Linking Words
 behaviour ultimately creates financial pressure and can even lead to serious monetary difficulties.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 make wise financial
decision
Check wording
decisions
show examples
 by avoiding the marketing tactics.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly: give clear reasons why shopping is now fun, then clearly say why it is bad overall.
task response
Add one more clear reason for this change, such as online shopping, malls, or social media trends.
task response
Explain your example more. Show how it supports your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some sentences feel too long or joined with too many commas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph start with one clear main idea, then support it with explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence flow. A few ideas repeat, so the essay can be shorter and clearer.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion clearly.
task response
You included an example about Apple, which makes your point more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
The second paragraph and third paragraph each focus on one main area.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumer culture
  • consumerism
  • entertainment
  • advertising
  • marketing
  • leisure activity
  • perception
  • shopping malls
  • social hubs
  • status
  • lifestyle
  • identity
  • accessibility
  • recreational activity
  • economic impact
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