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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of types of transport used by tourists from various countries in New Zealand in 2004.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of types of transport used by tourists from various countries in New Zealand in 2004.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of types of transport used by tourists from various
countries
Use synonyms
 in New Zealand in 2004. Four types of vehicles were used
such
Linking Words
 as air, coach, car and ferry. At first glance, it seems New Zealand had tourists from 5 different
countries
Use synonyms
, who were British, German, Japanese, Korean and Australian.
First,
Linking Words
the air transport system was used more by the Japanese which was around 50 per cent.
However
Linking Words
, other
countries
Use synonyms
 were around 20% except the UK.
Second,
Linking Words
the ferry had the lowest amount of percentage of tourism in all
countries
Use synonyms
. Statistically, the smallest portion was for Korea which was a little more than zero.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, cars were almost the favourite vehicle in most of the nations.
For instance
Linking Words
, it was 60 per cent for the British. The coach has been used by the Japanese like the air transportation system. Australia
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 got the fewest visitors in 2004. In summary, five nations went to New Zealand in 2004 by four types of transport.
Most
Add an article
The most
show examples
 popular system was a car.
In addition
Linking Words
, the ferry was unpopular at the same time.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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