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Band 5

While many people go to university for academic study, more people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is a lack of qualified workers such as electricians and plumbers. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #university #study #lack #workers #electricians #plumbers
Aside from going to universities for academic reasons, more individuals should be encouraged to take up vocational courses
instead
due to
lesser
Correct article usage
the lesser
show examples
number
 of qualified employees. I do not agree with
this
 view,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
people
 going to universities should be maintained or added and vocational
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 should be allocated to
people
 who did not finish or pursue their college degrees. It is undeniable that vocational education is as important as university academic courses.
Furthermore
, qualified vocational workers are in demand nowadays because household issues are inevitable, issues related to electricity or drainage, the reason why they are needed as much as any professionals.
For example
,
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 increasing rate of unemployment in the Philippines, vocational
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 one of the solutions the government can offer to the public.
Therefore
, unemployed individuals should be prioritized to be given
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these trainings because
this
 will aid them financially.
However
, it should be equalized to the
number
 of
people
 going to colleges to become real professionals.
Additionally
, professional workers are
similarly
 significant in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, and it is not a good thing that their
number
 would decline.
Moreover
, it is still better that a community
developed
Wrong verb form
develops
show examples
 professions that
masters
Change the verb form
master
show examples
 specific
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
.
For instance
, those who specialize in providing healthcare to
people
such
 as doctors, nurses and other medical allied professions. There should be a greater
number
 than those who studied for months to become caregivers. In conclusion, there should be an equal
number
 of
people
 pursuing their academic professions
as well as
people
 taking up vocational courses in order to
attend
Verb problem
meet
show examples
 the community's needs.
Submitted by cng123 on

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task achievement
Ensure both parts of questions are addressed; balance between vocational and academic education needed.
task achievement
Include stronger, clearer arguments to strengthen position.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical flow and transitions between ideas for better coherence.
coherence cohesion
Consider using varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing key points effectively.
task achievement
Discussion of vocational training's relevance in unemployment context is insightful.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • skilled workers
  • vocational training
  • academic study
  • qualified
  • electricians
  • plumbers
  • technicians
  • hands-on experience
  • job market
  • infrastructure
  • economy
  • unemployment rates
  • consumer spending
  • educational paths
  • job satisfaction
  • societal resilience
  • versatile workforce
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