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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Young people’s behaviour is often influenced by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important for personal growth, while other people feel that it has distinct disadvantages. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

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As peer
pressure
Use synonyms
 among young
people
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 is gaining much more concern in recent years, whether it brings merits or becomes a barrier preventing
youngsters
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 from performing at their best has
also
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 been a topic of interest. Both viewpoints are justifiable, but I personally lean towards the former. On the one hand, peer
pressure
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, in many cases, has an adverse bearing on young
people
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. The objective to be equal or eventually better than other individuals is attributed to a popular problem among
youngsters
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 which is the so-called “existential crisis”.
This
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 is because comparing oneself to others gives rise to negative behaviours and reduced welfare of
youngsters
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.
In addition
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, following in others’ footsteps is likely to distract young
people
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 from pursuing their core purposes and mislead them to be the shadow of their peers
instead
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 of developing their special gifts. Another considerable drawback is that competitiveness between those in the same age group easily ruins invaluable innocent relationships between
youngsters
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 as they are usually not mature enough to see it as a normal aspect of adolescence.
On the other hand
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, influences from peers can be considered as the most effective motivation for personal development. Thirsting
for achieving
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to achieve
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 what other teenagers have can significantly awaken the hidden talents of
youngsters
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 since they have to consistently discover and strengthen their skills to keep up with others.
Therefore
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, healthy competitions among individuals in the same age group foster their innovation and somehow
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 them to find the shortcut to achieve their goals. Competing with other peers has a worth-mentioning contribution to teens’ identity development and clarifying their personal traits. Importantly, working and growing under
pressure
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 is
also
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 a must-have experience to prepare
for
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apply
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young individuals before entering the workforce. In conclusion, peer
pressure
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 should no doubt be rated as a welcome factor encouraging young
people
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 to positively enhance themselves by helping them discover their talent, clarify personal traits and prepare for the upcoming world of work.
However
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, it may be
along with
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 some notable demerits that
youngsters
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 need to mitigate in order to avoid fatal challenges in their development.

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Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments, particularly in discussing how peer pressure encourages personal growth.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduce more transitional words and phrases to further improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider more balanced use of linking words to maintain the fluency and coherence of the essay.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both views and states a clear opinion in the introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear main idea, which helps in maintaining the focus and organization of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer's viewpoint.
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