IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #music #cultures #ages
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In these modern days,
people
's love for
music
 has united them with others who have different cultures and ages.
However
, I personally agree with
this
 statement as
music
 has become a tool that can be utilized to unite
people
 for some reasons which are set out below. Everyone has a different taste in
music
, and there are different types of
music
 genres,
such
 as K-pop, J-pop, Rock, Lofi, Jazz, and so on. Finding something in common will help them to build a relationship with others.
For instance
, K-Poppers' fans can somehow manage to interact with each other globally with the help of the internet, and some of them even become
friends
, in spite of their age and cultural differences. They even can form a fan group about a certain artist with strangers to fangirl over
this
 idol and to defend
this
 idol if they get hate comments from other fan groups. Other than contemporary
music
, traditional
music
 has
also
 helped
people
 to connect with a foreign culture. The curiosity of someone to learn about other traditional
music
 will open the opportunity to find new
friends
 and community.
For example
, a year ago, there was a viral video where an American was singing an Indonesian folk song. He
then
 told the media that his love for Indonesia's art had attracted local children to teach him the culture's
music
. Long story short, the Indonesians loved him for his interest in the country's cultures, and he ended up with some new
friends
. Ultimately, it seems to me that
music
 has brought
people
 together globally. Through engaging it, individuals can find new
friends
 and build relationships.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Expand on the examples by adding more details or another example to provide a broader view.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is clear, you could refine the transition between ideas to further enhance cohesion.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly outlines your agreement and sets up reasons that will be discussed.
relevant specific examples
You provided specific examples, like the K-Poppers and the viral video about an Indonesian folk song, which support your points well.
logical structure
There is a logical progression of ideas, making the essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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