Task 2- Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statemen

In Australia, obesity among
children
is an increasing problem, and around
two thirds
Add a hyphen
two-thirds
show examples
of
children
are suffering from obesity. Some people argue that schools should take that responsibility to monitor what
children
are eating, and how much
exercise
they are doing. I completely agree with
this
statement because
children
spend a significant amount of
time
at
school
, and both
parents
are working and
therefore
, they cannot manage enough
time
to look after their
children
.
Children
spend a large amount of
time
at their
school
. They spend around 7 to 8 hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day at
school
. They come to
school
in the early morning and leave in the afternoon. They study at
school
, have lunch and enjoy their leisure
time
.
Therefore
, it is easier for the
school
authority to monitor what
children
are eating, whether they participate in daily
exercise
or not, and how much
exercise
they are doing.
For example
, in Japan,
children
spend around &.5 hours in their
school
, and
therefore
, the
school
authority provides them with healthy lunch and monitors whether they are eating properly.
In addition
, nowadays, in almost every family, both
parents
are working.
Parents
are very busy to maintain their work-life balance, and they cannot manage enough
time
to spend with their
children
and look after them.
Therefore
, they mainly depend on schools to look after their
children
, and schools should have that responsibility to look after the well-being of
children
and monitor their
exercise
and food
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
.
For example
, in Australia, both
parents
or carers of a child work and come home from work at late night.
Therefore
, they cannot properly monitor the well-being of their
children
. In conclusion, I completely agree with
this
viewpoint that
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
and
exercise
habits of
children
should be monitored at
school
.
Parents
are busy and
children
spend a large amount of
time
at
school
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Work on providing a more balanced argument by acknowledging opposing viewpoints to strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the consistent accuracy of your language, though small inaccuracies are understandable, maintaining accuracy enhances clarity.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents a clear position.
coherence cohesion
Well-organized paragraphs with clear main points support the argument consistently throughout the essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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