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Writing Samples
Band 6

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statemen

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In Australia, obesity among
children
Use synonyms
 is an increasing problem, and around
two thirds
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two-thirds
show examples
 of
children
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 are suffering from obesity. Some people argue that schools should take that responsibility to monitor what
children
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 are eating, and how much
exercise
Use synonyms
 they are doing. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
children
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 spend a significant amount of
time
Use synonyms
 at
school
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, and both
parents
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 are working and
therefore
Linking Words
, they cannot manage enough
time
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 to look after their
children
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.
Children
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 spend a large amount of
time
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 at their
school
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. They spend around 7 to 8 hours
in
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apply
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a day at
school
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. They come to
school
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 in the early morning and leave in the afternoon. They study at
school
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, have lunch and enjoy their leisure
time
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is easier for the
school
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 authority to monitor what
children
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 are eating, whether they participate in daily
exercise
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 or not, and how much
exercise
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 they are doing.
For example
Linking Words
, in Japan,
children
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 spend around &.5 hours in their
school
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, and
therefore
Linking Words
, the
school
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 authority provides them with healthy lunch and monitors whether they are eating properly.
In addition
Linking Words
, nowadays, in almost every family, both
parents
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 are working.
Parents
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 are very busy to maintain their work-life balance, and they cannot manage enough
time
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 to spend with their
children
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 and look after them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they mainly depend on schools to look after their
children
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, and schools should have that responsibility to look after the well-being of
children
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 and monitor their
exercise
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 and food
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in Australia, both
parents
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 or carers of a child work and come home from work at late night.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they cannot properly monitor the well-being of their
children
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. In conclusion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint that
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
 and
exercise
Use synonyms
 habits of
children
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 should be monitored at
school
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.
Parents
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 are busy and
children
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 spend a large amount of
time
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 at
school
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Work on providing a more balanced argument by acknowledging opposing viewpoints to strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the consistent accuracy of your language, though small inaccuracies are understandable, maintaining accuracy enhances clarity.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents a clear position.
coherence cohesion
Well-organized paragraphs with clear main points support the argument consistently throughout the essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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