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Band 5

Some people believe they should keep all the money they have earned and should not poy tax to the state. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #poy #tax
Some factions of
people
argues
Change the verb form
argue
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 that they have to save the
money
 which has earned for themselves and should not pay
money
 to the
government
 for country expenses. I strongly agree that paying taxes is not necessary for the majority of
people
 and it must be voluntary .
Firstly
,
government
Add an article
the government
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 must have a better way to earn its own budgets like exports, power production and global dealing. it can be as an offer that some
people
 help the
government
 with special activities
such
 as
construction
Add an article
the construction
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 of public places.
Therefore
 has not to be
force
Wrong verb form
forced
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 and the
government
 is responsible to do and provide all
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
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 which are
people
's welfare
such
 as hospitals, universities and
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
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 of roads.
People
 can spend their own total salary on their personal activities like buying a
caror
Correct your spelling
car
,
Correct word choice
or housea
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housea
Correct your spelling
a
 house and
also
 save for far future.
In other words
,
people
 try hard and spend their precious lives to make
money
 for their children. It is completely wrong that they work as worker and over time pay large amounts of their budget to the
government
 for receiving first needs.
Although
people
 with moderate classification do not pay
money
 as a tax, rich
people
 who own large factories and mines must pay
money
 to their country,
whereas
 they use natural sources and sometimes,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 damage nature, so officials are responsible for rebuilding them requires
money
.
To sum up
,
this
 opinion
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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points out
to pay
Change preposition
that paying
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money
 as a tax is really unfair. I believe that most of the
people
 who are poor and normal
people
 must not pay taxes.
However
, those
people
 who have very high incomes pay
money
 to help their country and
government
.
Submitted by mellika.sadeghi1 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting information that enhances the main argument. This can improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This can strengthen your argument and increase clarity.
task achievement
Clarify your viewpoint more explicitly in certain areas to ensure a complete response to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a structured format.
task achievement
You've managed to address both sides of the argument, which shows a good task response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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