Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

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Childhood obesity is a crucial issue in Australia, affecting a large number of
students
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. Many suggest that education should play an important role in children’s health which can help combat
this
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problem.
This
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essay will discuss how
schools
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are required to monitor
students
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’ eating habits and exercise levels to address overweight children. On the one hand, formal institutions should monitor what young people eat to promote healthy eating habits. First and foremost, by providing healthy meals and snacks,
schools
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can influence children’s dietary choices which can lead to
reduce
Verb problem
apply
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the
Correct article usage
a
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number
of
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in
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obesity.
For example
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, educational institutions should provide fresh fruits and vegetables
instead
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of sugary snacks in the lunchroom.
Additionally
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,
this
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approach is beneficial for
students
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developing better eating
habit
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habits
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which can improve their
overall
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health.
As a result
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, it is essential for
schools
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to manage the food choices available to
students
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.
On the other hand
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, educational facilities should encourage regular physical
activity
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among
students
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during
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schools
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school
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hours.
This
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is because by incorporating exercise into the curriculum day,
students
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are more likely to stay active and healthy.
For instance
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, scheduling daily physical education classes and offering extracurricular sports can motivate children to engage in more physical
activity
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.
Furthermore
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, increased physical
activity
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contributes to
maintain
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maintaining
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a healthy weight and
overall
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fitness.
Consequently
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, the classroom environment plays a vital role in encouraging physical well-being among their peers which can
significantly
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be significantly
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useful in reducing their health problems. In conclusion, both dietary monitoring and promoting exercise are essential in addressing childhood overweight issues. Formal institutions have an important responsibility to ensure that
students
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have access to healthy diet choices and
opportunity
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opportunities
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for physical
activity
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.
Submitted by caroot on

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coherence/cohesion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, consider reinforcing the links between paragraphs for even smoother transitions.
task response
Although the arguments presented are relevant and supported, incorporating a counterargument could offer a more balanced perspective.
task response
Add definitions or additional context for important concepts like 'physical well-being' to increase clarity.
task response
The essay includes a clear thesis statement and systematically addresses the main question.
coherence/cohesion
Ideas are well-organized with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the issue.
task response
Relevant examples, such as schools providing fruits and vegetables, effectively illustrate the points made.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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