Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?
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Childhood obesity is a crucial issue in Australia, affecting a large number of
students
. Many suggest that education should play an important role in children’s health which can help combat this
problem. This
essay will discuss how schools
are required to monitor students
’ eating habits and exercise levels to address overweight children.
On the one hand, formal institutions should monitor what young people eat to promote healthy eating habits. First and foremost, by providing healthy meals and snacks, schools
can influence children’s dietary choices which can lead to reduce
Verb problem
apply
the
number Correct article usage
a
of
obesity. Change preposition
in
For example
, educational institutions should provide fresh fruits and vegetables instead
of sugary snacks in the lunchroom. Additionally
, this
approach is beneficial for students
developing better eating habit
which can improve their Fix the agreement mistake
habits
overall
health. As a result
, it is essential for schools
to manage the food choices available to students
.
On the other hand
, educational facilities should encourage regular physical activity
among students
during schools
hours. Change the noun form
school
This
is because by incorporating exercise into the curriculum day, students
are more likely to stay active and healthy. For instance
, scheduling daily physical education classes and offering extracurricular sports can motivate children to engage in more physical activity
. Furthermore
, increased physical activity
contributes to maintain
a healthy weight and Change the verb form
maintaining
overall
fitness. Consequently
, the classroom environment plays a vital role in encouraging physical well-being among their peers which can significantly
useful in reducing their health problems.
In conclusion, both dietary monitoring and promoting exercise are essential in addressing childhood overweight issues. Formal institutions have an important responsibility to ensure that Add a missing verb
be significantly
students
have access to healthy diet choices and opportunity
for physical Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
activity
.Submitted by caroot on
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coherence/cohesion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, consider reinforcing the links between paragraphs for even smoother transitions.
task response
Although the arguments presented are relevant and supported, incorporating a counterargument could offer a more balanced perspective.
task response
Add definitions or additional context for important concepts like 'physical well-being' to increase clarity.
task response
The essay includes a clear thesis statement and systematically addresses the main question.
coherence/cohesion
Ideas are well-organized with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the issue.
task response
Relevant examples, such as schools providing fruits and vegetables, effectively illustrate the points made.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?