IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. It is a positive or negative development.

#children #time #computer #games #sports #development
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Children
 these days
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
often spend time playing video
games
instead
 of sports activities.
While
this
 phenomenon clearly has some negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 health, L
believe
Change the verb form
believes
show examples
 that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 is negative implications for their development.
On the other hand
,
computer
games
 aggravate to health of
children
. Case in point, if
children
 play often
computer
games
, their eyes could
damage
Wrong verb form
be damaged
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
hazardous
Correct article usage
the hazardous
show examples
 light of
telephone
Correct article usage
a telephone
show examples
 or laptop.
In addition
 to
this
 view,
computervgames
Correct your spelling
computer games
 bring about bad posture, vision impairment and overweightness
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
.
Moreover
,
computer
gamed
Replace the word
games
show examples
are obsess
Change the verb form
are obsessed
are obsessing
show examples
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
children
's
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
.
As a result
,
children
unconcerned
Add a missing verb
are unconcerned
show examples
Change preposition
in socila
show examples
socila
Correct your spelling
social
 life.
On the other hand
, when
children
 play
computer
games
ratger
Correct your spelling
rather
 than sports, they can improve outlook, mentality, even concentration.
For instance
,
computer
games
 help
development
Replace the word
develop
show examples
computer
 skills and abilities, which are keyboard navigation, hand-eye coordination and online networking.
Furthermore
,
computer
games
 require not only critical thinking
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 skills. In conclusion,
children
 are to doing
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities
rathher
Correct your spelling
rather
 than playing
computer
games
.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details to improve cohesion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen arguments.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate on the contrasting views in your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure included an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for maintaining coherence.
task achievement
You effectively addressed both sides of the argument, discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of children playing computer games.
task achievement
Good attempt at discussing the negative and positive implications of video games on children’s development.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
What to do next:
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