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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people encourage young people to leave their parents’ home as soon as they become adults while others say children should stay at their parents’ home as long as possible

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Recently, there has been a controversial debate about whether young individuals should leave their nest when they grow up or stay as long as possible with their
parents
Use synonyms
. Both choices could benefit the juveniles but in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I would make the claim that children should stay with their family.
Firstly
Linking Words
, since young individuals who are
inexperience
Replace the word
inexperienced
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 and financially unstable may not manage to get by without financial supplies from family, staying with
parents
Use synonyms
 could fully provide them with money to pay for
menities
Correct your spelling
amenities
 or utilities.
For example
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, almost
college
Correct determiner usage
all college
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 students in Viet Nam have to use their
parent’s
Change noun form
parents’
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 money to pay for
tuitions
Fix the agreement mistake
tuition
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 and living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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; even though, they do side jobs
such
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 as tutor or
photographer
Replace the word
photography
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 to earn extra money.
Moreover
Linking Words
, by living with
Use synonyms
parents
Correct pronoun usage
our parents
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, we can strongly enhance
bond
Correct pronoun usage
our bond
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 with our family, alleviating
generation
Correct article usage
the generation
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 gap and becoming more responsible and thoughtful. There is
also
Linking Words
 a moral duty to take care
our
Change preposition
of our
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 when they get older, taking care
our
Change preposition
of our
show examples
 family will make us deeply appreciate its values. Granted, one might argue that children should move out after becoming an adult.
This
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 is predicated on the assumption that living independently can help adults acquire more soft skills to cope with problems.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 line of reasoning is not sound because young individuals might make wrong decisions or irresponsible
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 their lack of experience and knowledge about life and some of
such
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 mistakes could not
be redress
Change the verb form
be redressed
show examples
.
For instance
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, statistics
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
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 that more than 20% of juveniles tend to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in some illegal acts
such
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 as driving without a license or even
muder
Correct your spelling
murder
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, living with
parents
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
show examples
 our personality as they will teach us
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
moral lessons or give us guidance, enriching our knowledge and enhancing our dignity. In conclusion, living with
parents
Use synonyms
 not only stabilizes young
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 financially but
also
Linking Words
 forms a solid foundation for their personal future and moral development. I think
this
Linking Words
 trend should be adopted widely as
its
Correct your spelling
it has
show examples
 tremendous benefits.

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task achievement
Include more specific examples that illustrate your points. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive. For instance, you might provide specific scenarios where staying at home helped young adults to succeed.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow of your essay. Ensure that each point leads smoothly to the next, enhancing the overall clarity and structure.
task achievement
Consider addressing counterarguments in more depth to add complexity and depth to your argument, making it more comprehensive and balanced.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
You successfully address the essay topic, providing a complete response that clearly communicates your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The main points of your arguments are relevant and logical, providing a sound reasoning for why young adults might benefit from staying with their parents.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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