Some people encourage young people to leave their parents’ home as soon as they become adults while others say children should stay at their parents’ home as long as possible

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Recently, there has been a controversial debate about whether young individuals should leave their nest when they grow up or stay as long as possible with their
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. Both choices could benefit the juveniles but in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase in my opinion. Consider adding a comma.

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I would make the claim that children should stay with their family.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, since young individuals who are
inexperience
Replace the word
inexperienced

The word inexperience doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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and financially unstable may not manage to get by without financial supplies from family, staying with
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

could fully provide them with money to pay for
menities
Correct your spelling
amenities

If you don’t want menities to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

or utilities.
For example
Linking Words

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, almost
college
Correct determiner usage
all college

It seems that determiner use may be incorrect here.

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students in Viet Nam have to use their
parent’s
Change noun form
parents’

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

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money to pay for
tuitions
Fix the agreement mistake
tuition

It seems that tuitions may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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and living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs

It seems that cost may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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; even though, they do side jobs
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as tutor or
photographer
Replace the word
photography

The word photographer doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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to earn extra money.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, by living with
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

parents
Correct pronoun usage
our parents

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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, we can strongly enhance
bond
Correct pronoun usage
our bond

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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with our family, alleviating
generation
Correct article usage
the generation

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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gap and becoming more responsible and thoughtful. There is
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

a moral duty to take care
our
Change preposition
of our

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

when they get older, taking care
our
Change preposition
of our

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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family will make us deeply appreciate its values. Granted, one might argue that children should move out after becoming an adult.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is predicated on the assumption that living independently can help adults acquire more soft skills to cope with problems.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

line of reasoning is not sound because young individuals might make wrong decisions or irresponsible
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions

It seems that action may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

their lack of experience and knowledge about life and some of
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

mistakes could not
be redress
Change the verb form
be redressed

It appears that the form of the verb redress does not work with be in this sentence.

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.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, statistics
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show

It seems that the verb shows does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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that more than 20% of juveniles tend to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb involve. Consider changing it.

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in some illegal acts
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as driving without a license or even
muder
Correct your spelling
murder

If you don’t want muder to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

.
Additionally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, living with
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits

It seems that the verb benefit does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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our personality as they will teach us
about
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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moral lessons or give us guidance, enriching our knowledge and enhancing our dignity. In conclusion, living with
parents
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

not only stabilizes young
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults

It seems that adult may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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financially but
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

forms a solid foundation for their personal future and moral development. I think
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

trend should be adopted widely as
its
Correct your spelling
it has

The word its doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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tremendous benefits.
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task achievement
Include more specific examples that illustrate your points. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive. For instance, you might provide specific scenarios where staying at home helped young adults to succeed.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow of your essay. Ensure that each point leads smoothly to the next, enhancing the overall clarity and structure.
task achievement
Consider addressing counterarguments in more depth to add complexity and depth to your argument, making it more comprehensive and balanced.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
You successfully address the essay topic, providing a complete response that clearly communicates your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The main points of your arguments are relevant and logical, providing a sound reasoning for why young adults might benefit from staying with their parents.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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