IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Task 2. Many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people's interest in famous people in the history of their country?

#people #pop #movie #stars #history #country #interest
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In
this
 day and age, it has been increasingly common for young
people
 to have more interest in international celebrities than historical figures in their
coutry
Correct your spelling
country
. In
this
 essay, I will present the causes of
this
 trend
as well as
 the solution to alleviate the situation. There are several reasons why young individuals tend to know more about international
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 or famous music stars
instead
 of having
knowledge
 about their national
history
.
Firstly
,
due to
 the ubiquity of modern technology devices, most young individuals spend a substantial amount of their spare time
to surf
Change the verb form
surfing
show examples
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
;
therefore
, they are likely to
exposed
Add a missing verb
be exposed
show examples
 to
Add an article
the product
a product
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 of international entertainment
such
 as pop music or sci-fi movies, making them more and more fascinated about
such
 topics.
For example
, it is quite easy for a trend to spread quickly on a social media platform
such
 as Facebook or
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
 as
people
 use them with a condensed frequency in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Moreover
, given the tedious teaching method of
history
 at high school, young
indiviuduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 often show little interest in
knowledge
 about their historical figures. It seems that
history
 itself is not attractive, aggravating the phenomenon that more and more young
people
no
Correct your spelling
know
show examples
 almost nothing about their
history
.
However
, there are various
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 we can do to deal with
such
 problems. First of all,
history
 content should be diffused through videos on social media platforms, which is much more attractive than learning from documents.
Additionally
,
film makers
Correct your spelling
film-makers
show examples
 should be encouraged to produce movies based on real historical events
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. Young
people
 will
eager
Add a missing verb
be eager
show examples
 to watch these movies, especially when their idols take the main character role.
As a result
, they will
unconsiously
Correct your spelling
unconsciously
 attain more
knowledge
 about their national
history
.
Besides
this
, tailoring the teaching method will probably enhance the efficiency of learning
history
 as
modern
Add an article
the modern
a modern
show examples
 method will arouse students’ curiosity and eagerness.
Instead
 of learning by heart a list of names and events, teachers should encourage students to take part in debating about
meaning
Correct article usage
the meaning
show examples
 of historical events or
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in some field trips to
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
 or historic sites. In conclusion,
although
 young individuals today
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not
keen
Rephrase
as keen
show examples
 on historical
knowledge
 as they
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 celebrities,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 problems could be dealt with
suggested
Change preposition
by suggested
show examples
 solutions.
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

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coherence cohesion
Try to reduce unnecessary repetition of words or phrases to enhance conciseness.
task achievement
Refine sentence structures to avoid minor grammatical inaccuracies.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear and well-structured response to the task, addressing both causes and solutions.
task achievement
It provides relevant examples to support the main points, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are well-presented, effectively setting the stage and summing up the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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