IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people's interest in famous people in the history of their country?

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In
this
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 day and age, it has been increasingly common for young
people
Use synonyms
 to have more interest in international celebrities than historical figures in their
coutry
Correct your spelling
country
. In
this
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 essay, I will present the causes of
this
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 trend
as well as
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 the solution to alleviate the situation. There are several reasons why young individuals tend to know more about international
movie
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movies
show examples
 or famous music stars
instead
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 of having
knowledge
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 about their national
history
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.
Firstly
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,
due to
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 the ubiquity of modern technology devices, most young individuals spend a substantial amount of their spare time
to surf
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surfing
show examples
internet
Add an article
the internet
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;
therefore
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, they are likely to
exposed
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be exposed
show examples
 to
Add an article
the product
a product
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
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 of international entertainment
such
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 as pop music or sci-fi movies, making them more and more fascinated about
such
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 topics.
For example
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, it is quite easy for a trend to spread quickly on a social media platform
such
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 as Facebook or
Tiktok
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TikTok
show examples
 as
people
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 use them with a condensed frequency in their daily
life
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lives
show examples
.
Moreover
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, given the tedious teaching method of
history
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 at high school, young
indiviuduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 often show little interest in
knowledge
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 about their historical figures. It seems that
history
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 itself is not attractive, aggravating the phenomenon that more and more young
people
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no
Correct your spelling
know
show examples
 almost nothing about their
history
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.
However
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, there are various
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 we can do to deal with
such
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 problems. First of all,
history
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 content should be diffused through videos on social media platforms, which is much more attractive than learning from documents.
Additionally
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,
film makers
Correct your spelling
film-makers
show examples
 should be encouraged to produce movies based on real historical events
with
Change preposition
apply
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. Young
people
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 will
eager
Add a missing verb
be eager
show examples
 to watch these movies, especially when their idols take the main character role.
As a result
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, they will
unconsiously
Correct your spelling
unconsciously
 attain more
knowledge
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 about their national
history
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.
Besides
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this
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, tailoring the teaching method will probably enhance the efficiency of learning
history
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 as
modern
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the modern
a modern
show examples
 method will arouse students’ curiosity and eagerness.
Instead
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 of learning by heart a list of names and events, teachers should encourage students to take part in debating about
meaning
Correct article usage
the meaning
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 of historical events or
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in some field trips to
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
 or historic sites. In conclusion,
although
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 young individuals today
do
Verb problem
are
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 not
keen
Rephrase
as keen
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 on historical
knowledge
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 as they
do
Verb problem
are
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to
Change preposition
on
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 celebrities,
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 problems could be dealt with
suggested
Change preposition
by suggested
show examples
 solutions.

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coherence cohesion
Try to reduce unnecessary repetition of words or phrases to enhance conciseness.
task achievement
Refine sentence structures to avoid minor grammatical inaccuracies.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear and well-structured response to the task, addressing both causes and solutions.
task achievement
It provides relevant examples to support the main points, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are well-presented, effectively setting the stage and summing up the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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