IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents think computer games are better for children and they should be allowed to play more of them. whereas some parents argue that they are harmful to children. Discuss both views.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some would argue that
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are good for
children
Use synonyms
 and parents should give more opportunities for
children
Use synonyms
 to play with them,
while
Linking Words
 others think that
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 negatively affect
children
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 improve cognitive
skills
Use synonyms
, I believe that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 cause more harm to
children
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both sides and will justify my opinion. On the one hand, the supporters of the idea that
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are beneficial to
children
Use synonyms
 believe that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 enhance their thinking
skills
Use synonyms
. Most
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are designed with several difficulty levels. So the players should think and act quickly when they playing.
This
Linking Words
 ultimately improves their
congitive
Correct your spelling
cognitive
 abilities. As an example, a survey conducted by the Ministry of
Health
Use synonyms
, Sri Lanka, revealed that 56% of student's problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
 and imagination
skills
Use synonyms
 were developed after 3 months of playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that
this
Linking Words
 improvement may be short-term.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the advocates propose the idea that
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 cause detrimental effects on
children
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
. It is evident that most young players are addicted to
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and they neglect engaging in physical activities.
This
Linking Words
 causes several
health
Use synonyms
 issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and high blood pressure.
For instance
Linking Words
, a report published in My
Health
Use synonyms
 Magazine, The National Hospital Colombo, found that 70% of
computer
Use synonyms
 game players have increased their weight and blood pressure. So, I believe that playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 long-term
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 negatively affects
children
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 increase the cognitive
skills
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
, the detrimental effect on their
health
Use synonyms
 should be considered. I believe parents should consider the drawbacks before giving more opportunities to
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider adding more complex linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
While your argument is clearly presented, work on exploring the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly, perhaps with additional examples.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively set the stage and summarize your main argument, providing a clear frame for your discussion.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant and specific examples, helping to illustrate the points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are clearly and logically organized, making it easy to follow the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: