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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.
#bar #prevalence #obesity #boys #girls #ethnicity #states #years
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The provided two bar charts illustrate the data about the
propotions
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proportions
proportion
 of
Use synonyms
prevalence
Add an article
the prevalence
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 of obesity
according to
Linking Words
 males and females aged group 12 -19 years by three ethnic categories in 2004 and 2014 in the United States.
Overall
Linking Words
, the tendency of obesity has increased among all ethnicities of
male
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the male
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 population over
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time passage.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the trend of
female
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females
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 has fluctuated but
Linking Words
at
Change preposition
in
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 the end it
relatively
Add a missing verb
is relatively
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stabled
Replace the word
stable
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. The highest
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
prevalence
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 reported for
for
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
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 boys in 2014,
as well as
Linking Words
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
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hispanic
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 black girls were shown the highest in 2014. When considering
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the hispanic
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hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
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 male population, the rate of
prevalence
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has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased significantly by 14% in 2014, but
female
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the female
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 group had only
5
Correct article usage
a 5
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%
increased compare
Replace the word
increase compared
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 to 2004.
However
Linking Words
,
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
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hispanic
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 black girls
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 shown 29%
prevalence
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 in 2014.
This
Linking Words
 is the highest figure among all the ethnic groups or the genders. The lowest
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
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 of
prevalence
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 rate
has
Change the verb form
have
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reported
Add a missing verb
been reported
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 by both
Use synonyms
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 girls and
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
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hispanic
Use synonyms
 white which is 5%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
show examples
hispanic
Use synonyms
 white females and males recorded the same amount of
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 increase in
given
Correct article usage
the given
show examples
 period (5%).
Submitted by surangaprasad90 on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words prevalence, hispanic with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • ethnic groups
  • trend
  • gender differences
  • public health
  • interventions
  • demographic
  • disparities
  • insight
  • analysis
  • comparison
  • proportion
  • fluctuation
  • longitudinal study
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