IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.
#bar #prevalence #obesity #boys #girls #ethnicity #states #years
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The provided two bar charts illustrate the data about the
propotions
Correct your spelling
proportions
proportion
 of
prevalence
Add an article
the prevalence
show examples
 of obesity
according to
 males and females aged group 12 -19 years by three ethnic categories in 2004 and 2014 in the United States.
Overall
, the tendency of obesity has increased among all ethnicities of
male
Add an article
the male
show examples
 population over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time passage.
In contrast
, the trend of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 has fluctuated but
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end it
relatively
Add a missing verb
is relatively
show examples
stabled
Replace the word
stable
show examples
. The highest
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
prevalence
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 reported for
for
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 boys in 2014,
as well as
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
show examples
hispanic
 black girls were shown the highest in 2014. When considering
Correct article usage
the hispanic
show examples
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 male population, the rate of
prevalence
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased significantly by 14% in 2014, but
female
Add an article
the female
show examples
 group had only
5
Correct article usage
a 5
show examples
%
increased compare
Replace the word
increase compared
show examples
 to 2004.
However
,
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
show examples
hispanic
 black girls
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 shown 29%
prevalence
 in 2014.
This
 is the highest figure among all the ethnic groups or the genders. The lowest
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
prevalence
 rate
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
reported
Add a missing verb
been reported
show examples
 by both
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 girls and
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
show examples
hispanic
 white which is 5%.
On the other hand
,
non
Add a hyphen
non-hispanic
show examples
hispanic
 white females and males recorded the same amount of
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 increase in
given
Correct article usage
the given
show examples
 period (5%).
Submitted by surangaprasad90 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words prevalence, hispanic with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • ethnic groups
  • trend
  • gender differences
  • public health
  • interventions
  • demographic
  • disparities
  • insight
  • analysis
  • comparison
  • proportion
  • fluctuation
  • longitudinal study
What to do next:
Look at other essays: