IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people believe that family has a greater influence on a child’s life and development than other factors like friends, TV, music and so on. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #influence #child’s #life #development #factors #friends #tv #music
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, some people argue that family has a greater influence on a child's mentality and intelligence,
while
 others argue that other factors are more impactful. In
this
 essay, I will examine both statements and the extent to which I agree with the second statement.
To begin
 with, the role of parenting can influence
children
's behaviour and emotional development. As masters of copycats,
children
 see parents as their role models which will define their personalities in the future. Adults shape their
children
 to be someone who they want to be. Most parents want their
children
 to be superior in every aspect of their lives. As an example, doctors tend to influence their
children
 to be doctors. Executive Directors ask their
children
 to be leaders in the future.
On the contrary
, non-family environments have more potential impacts on
children
's intelligence and nature. As they spend more time with their friends, kids will behave and think
similarly
 to the people surrounding them. As an example,
children
 who often hang out with drug abusers tend to become drug abusers as well.
This
 may happen
due to
 their high curiosities and solidarities between them.
Otherwise
, if kids are used to getting
along with
 smart people, they will likely be clever as well.
Secondly
, technological advancements can be harmful to
children
's future. With the rapid growth of the internet,
children
 can access unfiltered information,
such
 as pornography and criminality. Without supervision, they may be copying negative scenes and turn themselves into a criminal. All things considered, I believe that other factors,
such
 as friends and technologies, are more impactful on
children
's development than parents.
Submitted by fenanda.backup on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure the essay covers different perspectives more evenly to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all points are effectively integrated into a tightly structured argument.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, presenting both sides of the argument and stating a position.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant examples to support the points made, which adds depth to the argument.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is clear and ideas are well-organized, making it easy to follow the writer's argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Developmental psychology
  • Socialization
  • Inculcate
  • Role models
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Agents of socialization
  • Primary caregivers
  • External influences
  • Nurture vs. nature
  • Cognitive growth
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Parental guidance
  • Absentee parents
  • Genetic predispositions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: